Ms. Maybelle: REID #228

Valentine’s Day is approaching, so you know I spent 45 minutes yesterday trying to figure out how to...

Feb 11, 2025

SHORT:

Valentine’s Day is approaching, so you know I spent 45 minutes yesterday trying to figure out how to order a “Cowentine” from the farm sanctuary upstate for my mentally ill vegan life partner.

MEDIUM:

A “cowentine” is exactly what it sounds like. A valentine from a live cow.

They asked me to write a message for “Ms. Maybelle” to say, so I wrote: “Happy V-Day! If you’re hearing this right now, it means you’ve gone clinically insane, because cows do not talk.”

Just kidding, I wrote ‘Happy Valentine’s Day. Love U. From Reid’. Cuz I’m a coward1.

Can’t wait to see how “Ms. Maybelle” delivers the line.

^ Here she is looking absolutely thrilled and not at all like she’d rather be taken back to the dairy farm and milked dry than record another Valentine’s Day message for a gay/lezbo couple

LONG:

What else? The Eagles won. I don’t really care about football, but my grandfather is from Philly, loves cheesesteaks, and says “orange” the way you’d say “Arnold Schwarzenegger” — so I’m thrilled on his behalf. Go birds.

This past Friday, my friend Zach and I put on our fourth annual Comedians Earnestly Singing Musical Theatre show—this time at the historic Joe’s Pub. Yes, the same stage where the world first heard Hamilton… and now, where Zach and I absolutely butchered the lyrics (and, let’s be honest, the melody) to Everybody Says Don’t. Apologies to Mr. Sondheim. If you can hear me from the afterlife… please know it sounded worse in the room. I’m relieved they didn’t bury you with a Glock, as I fear I’d be first on your list.

Before the show my friend Catherine said, “this will be so great!” and I, inadvertently and automatically mumbled, “it’ll be what it is”.

She laughed.

(Thank god)

I wish I could be… not like that. Lol. I wish I was a six foot tall beautiful talented cabaret star with a genuine zest for life and perfect social skills whose voice didn’t crack every time they tried to inflect!!! I try to harness that energy… but “it’ll be what it is” just keeps coming out! And the former doesn’t feel authentic anyway.

I’m not a spectacle or a menace. Not a beloved curmudgeon or an infectious delight. Too low-energy to be iconic, too desperate to be mysterious. Not a lovable scamp, not a marketable weirdo. I am the human equivalent of an unsalted cracker.

But I keep throwing my unsalted ass onstage—just to see what happens when someone aggressively mid gets stared at for longer than nature intended.

Scientists fear I may never stop.

Snack Of The Week: Post-show Cane’s chicken sandwich, lemonade, and fries—enjoyed with my coworkers, who came to witness me onstage! God bless ‘em.

C U Next Tuesday