Hot-Cinn-Dog-Milkshake-Abon: REID #210
+ Messianic energy
SHORT:
Jess dragged me back to The Gold Over America Tour at Barclays Center — a show where Simone Biles and her gymnastics crew perform songs about ‘believing in yourself’ and ‘USA.’
We were the only ones there not in glittery leotards or clutching our parents’ hands, which was probably for the best. If we had been, the kids might’ve run screaming for the exits.
MEDIUM:
We went to the tour with our friend Em, who’s now a Reddit celeb in the gymnastics (and, oddly enough, the “natural nails”) forums.
All night, Em kept threatening to “take her top off” for one of the blonde gymnasts she’s into. This gymnast has zero charisma and looked like she’d rather be at jury duty than doing the choreography. According to Em, that’s how she knows she’s queer.
I think Em’s reaching, but hey, dream big! (as they kept telling us every five minutes on the tour.)
Note: To be honest, we were seated so high up we couldn’t always tell which blonde gymnast was which, so Em threatened to “take her top off” for all of them. You know, just to be safe!
LONG:
While The Gold Over America Tour isn’t explicitly a Christian show, there’s enough white light and barefoot-in-jeans action to give it strong mega-church vibes. If they’d let me, I’d love to dip my dramaturgical quill in some ink and really take it to the next level. I’m talking full-blown mega-church: “Our God Is An Awesome God” blaring while they swing from the uneven bars.
It’d be like how Jews wrote all the classic Christmas songs, but instead of a carol, it’d be me writing The God Over America Tour.
There were a few notable changes from last time. Previously, Simone Biles did an interpretive dance about anxiety and depression — mostly lying on the floor and sighing, which felt more like a live demonstration of my end-of-day routine than a performance.
She skipped that this year, but we did get a dramatic slow march in front of a slideshow of childhood photos, captioned, “Dear Gymnastics, you were good to me.” (I felt like I could hear their knees singing backup like, “wasn’t good to moi!”) .
Oh, and for the first time ever, there were boys in the G.O.A.T. lineup. Yep, boys. And I’ve gotta say, they kind of stole the show1. We’re talking dancing to Taylor Swift’s “Love Story”2, riding pommel horses in cowboy hats, and a full routine to I’m Just Ken.
One thing stayed the same: I was promised flips, and we got — not enough. I get it, they can’t be launching into triple-doubles every night of a multi-city tour. But in The God Over America Tour (once they take me up on my offer), there will be non-stop flipping. The Holy Spirit will keep them in perfect shape and help with recovery on the road.
Overall, the G.O.A.T. was a rich text (of which I did a close reading in real-time, which Jess and Em loved3). When they did an airplane song, I explained that it was obviously a nod to the flight attendants’ union. The boys’ “Danger Zone” number was clearly about what happens when they support each other too openly and things get dangerously close 2 homo.” And, of course, every time the stage glowed gold and white, I’d yell, “Messiah’s here!”
Despite the low-flip count, it was a night I’ll never forget4 (mainly because I had a hot dog, milkshake, and half a Cinnabon in the span of two hours) — I mean, because I learned that, “we’re all golden”.
C U Next Tuesday
(Hot-Cinn-Dog-Milkshake-Abon is obviously Snack Of The Week)
Thank you for subscribing to this newsletter. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s not [it’s a lot like when people slip on ice].If this is your first time reading, pls check out the archives.
Sincerely,
Reid Pope
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Bonus Jonas:
Watch the latest Late Stage Live!
Come see Late Stage at The Bell House in November.
My short film, Lesbian Jesus Is Pregnant With Vibes, will screen at NewFest in October! You can get tickets here.
Now that boys are allowed, one of them could play Jesus… I’m telling you… it’s a million dollar idea… not that a girl couldn’t have played Jesus… fml… you know what I mean
A song where the male gymnasts danced with female dancers, but also with their true loves: the bars, the floor, etc. If you’ve ever wanted to witness a heartfelt dance between a human and a vault, this was the show for you.
Jury’s out on truth of this statement
Honestly, I’ve forgotten most of it already. I remember sitting in the stands, thinking, “I have to write about this for the newsletter,” but now I can’t recall a damn thing. Maybe that’s the true magic of G.O.A.T.: it's so dazzlingly, your brain just wipes itself clean afterward…