Find Zen With Mindful Breathing!!!: REID #219

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Dec 10, 2024

SHORT:

Not tweeting excessively about the shooter out of respect for y’all’s horniness for him (and because the FBI already came to my apartment once over a tweet).

MEDIUM:

It is, however, good to know there’s a way to get the internet’s attention that’s far less devastating than posting a front-facing comedy video to Instagram.

Moments after his identity was revealed, one of my friends with a storied hatred of Italians texted: "I've decided to be pro-Italian."

She also just saw Conclave, so it was a real 1-2 punch (and with Italians, that’s usually followed by a trunk ride… so if that happens, I’m expecting a much angrier follow-up).

LONG:

Now, on to something far more important:

Tired of WFH1 BS2?

Then you should try WFBS, H (work from bagel store, honey)!

A thing I invented this week.

It all started when I wandered into a bagel store around 10 a.m. (golden hour), ordered an everything bagel toasted with scallion cream cheese3, and thought, What if I just… stayed?

This is not something people normally do—because it sucks. It’s wildly uncomfortable. You will be cold. The door swings open approximately 90–300 times per minute. Orders are shouted, coffee is spilled (on you, on the floor, on everything). But that’s part of the charm.

Is that happening at home? No.

It was invigorating to type “Will Do!” on Slack as, all around me, people begged for and received their daily4 bread.

I felt a very strong and particular kinship with the women who came in around 3pm, solo, sat in the corner facing the wall without taking their jackets off, and went to town on their ‘gels5 as Christmas music blared.

During this time of year, you’re gunna get the same 12 Christmas songs on a loop (and you’re gunna have to make peace with that). Every now and then a “girl put your records on” will slip in— but quickly glitch and cut out (it won’t have loaded the right way).

Then, without fail, it will be back to “Underneath The Tree” by Kelly Clarkson6.

A few days later you will jog through unbelievably terrible freezing wind to deliver a stool sample of your cat’s shit to the vet for “analysis”. As you wait for the front desk gal to charge you 58 dollars for the scat-screen, you’ll hear that same Kelly Clarkson tune and think, I miss the bagel store... and the women in their parkas… horking down their afternoon cinnamon raisins…

You’ll make a plan to return the following week. Against ur better judgement and ur friends saying, “that’s bizarre”.

What else…? What else…? Uhh I’m still in search of:

-A way to go to holiday party without being cold
-A nose that does not stuff
-A way to let the world know that we are all set on podcast clips! Great work, team! Crushed it. No need to add any more to the world wide web! We are allll good!

Oh! And! Today I released a deeply personal music video/song called “Weird Little Hat”. Feel free to check it out here7.

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