Buy A Clock: REID #231
And other raw, unfiltered vibes
SHORT:
*Delivered like “I want a dyke for president”*:
I want an Oscars where everyone stands on the red carpet normal-style…
Dead-eyed, slack-jawed, gut-out, exhausted… just the raw unfiltered vibes of a species that has been congratulating itself for too long :)
MEDIUM:
Earlier this week, my gay senior pen pal called me in a full-blown panic, begging me to pray he gets approved for Ozempic—because, as he put it, 'If I’m not skinny by opening night of Singin’ in the Rain, then what was the point of surviving the ’80s?'
Which is a bold statement, considering he was not out or practicing in the ’80s. He was married to his wife and living on Long Island, presumably surviving on bagels and denial.
Apparently, he ate a bunch of Hershey bars before his diabetes test, thinking it would guarantee him Ozempic. The doctor said, “That’s… not how that works.” So now they’re “maybe gonna go the sleep apnea route”—because if you can’t get Ozempic by eating candy, you can at least get it by eating air incorrectly.
The best part? He did a practice audition where he moved around the stage a bunch, and the director said, “That was great.” Which just goes to show—you don’t need Ozempic to slay. You just need confidence, a fake gall bladder1, and an AARP membership.
LONG:
It was a big week for film. On Wednesday, I saw No Other Land, which won the Oscar for Best Documentary—thank God. If you can, please go see it.
On Sunday, my parents were in town for my sister’s engagement party, a once-in-a-lifetime event where we could all celebrate love, commitment, and the start of a new chapter. And instead of spending time with them, I went to see The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. A movie so long, it felt like I was the one on a perilous journey that would forever change me.
As dedicated Reiders know, I had never seen any of the LOTR films when I started dating my partner, Jess—because I have a life, have had sex before, and black out when I hear the word “Orc”. But three years ago, I agreed to accompany them to Radio City Music Hall, where a choir and orchestra were live-scoring the first film.
I sat there, surrounded by superfans, trying to piece together what was happening in real-time. Last year, we went back for the second movie. And this year, we finally closed the saga with Return of the King. So much like Frodo, I am now fucking free2.
It only took metaphorically getting poked and swaddled in the nasty web of a spider named Shelob (which I misheard as Sheila and thought—now that’s hilarious. A spider named Sheila? I finally understand why this movie won 11 Oscars).
Obviously, Jess burst into tears at the end of the movie (well, one of the endings—there are like 12). I burst into tears when the words The End finally appeared on screen after 3 hours and 20 minutes :)
Also, before you murder me, I liked the movie. All 3 movies, actually. I just also like doing literally anything else.
Snack Of The Week is the pad thai and chocolate pie (with vanilla/chocolate brownie ice cream) I had while watching Hollywood’s biggest night.
It pissed me off that Zoe Saldaña and everyone who won for Emilia Pérez didn’t say the word ‘trans’ once. That’s like if Brokeback Mountain won and Heath Ledger said, “What an honor to be in a film about the enduring power of... the outdoors3.”
Whatever. I hope to never think about that crap ass movie ever again—unless, of course, I get my fingers chopped off and then go flying off a cliff in a car that bursts into flames. In which case, obviously, I’ll be like, “Wait… this is just like in that movie…”
What else… ?
I told my psychiatrist I think I have ADHD, and she told me to buy a clock.
C U Next Tuesday
Thank you for subscribing to this newsletter. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s not [it’s a lot like when people slip on ice]. If this is your first time reading, pls check out the archives.
Sincerely,
Reid Pope
Bonus Jonas Zone:
Long story
Or whatever
Cue the queer ecologists in my DMs being like, “well THE OUTDOORS IS GAY”