Aiming for gay guy: REID #211
Not in the Harvey Milk way
SHORT:
The second my eyes opened this morning, I grabbed my phone and Googled: “Cyndi Lauper Jewish?”
I did this because I had a dream—or really, an exact memory—of being back in band1 at my Jewish middle school. I got relegated to the bongo drums for not practicing my keyboard part for Time After Time enough. It was humiliating then, and apparently, it’s still haunting me now.
I started to wonder if my band teacher chose that song because Cyndi Lauper was Jewish, or just because it’s famous. So, naturally, I woke up and had to Google it.
She’s not, which makes sense.
No Jew has the kind of patience you find in the lyrics of Time After Time. “If you’re lost, you can look and you will find me?” Puh-lease. I’ve got better things to do. “If you fall, I will not catch you — I will be in the car, driving to shul because you took too long in the shower, and I’m not about to miss the rabbi’s sermon. The parsha this week is GOLDEN CALF!”
MEDIUM:
It’s been quite the nutso past 120 hours. On Thursday I attended opening night of NewFest, the largest queer film festival in America. I wore an outfit that I didn’t super believe in… I love wearing outfits where, if I were a foot taller and a little hotter, it’d scream gay guy, but alas, at my height, it’s lesbian2. Nothing wrong with lesbians (they make the world go round), but I was aiming for gay guy (‘aiming’ in the fashion way! not the Harvey Milk way!).
The opening night film at NewFest was A Nice Indian Boy, starring Karan Soni and Jonathan Groff. It was delightful. Jess threw a fit about missing it (they were in Colorado smelling tree trunks on a mountain or whatever they do there) not because of the film itself, but because they “need another look at Jonathan Groff’s butt in person.”
[Dedicated Reiders may remember that, the second he stepped onstage when we went to see Merrily We Roll Along, Jess gasped and whispered, “dumptruck”, due to the heft of the thing. It was so loud, I’m surprised Groff didn’t stop the show, Patti-Lupone-style, and yell, “Did someone just say ‘dumptruck’!?”]
Saturday morning, I ran 20 miles. Alone. At 5:45am. Normally, Jess runs with me, but they were off licking bark at the Boulder farmer’s market or whatever), so it was just me and five laps around Prospect Park. The first few were in the dark. It sucked :)
I did have a fun moment when a random man passed me on his bike, pulled out his phone, and shouted, “OH MY GOD! I’M POPPING OFF!” I spent the rest of the run wondering what exactly he was “popping off” on. Was it the ride itself? Did he post a killer reel3? Whatever it was — happy for him!
The last 5 miles of the 20 mile run, I could barely move my legs. I ended up Ubering home from where my run ended (pitiful, but my truth). I find it interesting that there are iPad games in back of Ubers in this country but not gun control.
LONG:
Also, it was Yom Kippur. I didn’t fast (because, you know, 20 miles), but I did have nearly four hours of deep reflection while jogging in circles. That’s gotta count for something, right? If not for God, then for my therapist.
Later, I attended a Yom Kippur Yizkor service at Grand Army Plaza, hosted by Rabbis for Ceasefire and others. It was incredibly meaningful, especially when we tore fabric to grieve the atrocities in Gaza and the current rupture between Zionist and anti-Zionist Jews in the Jewish community.
(Fun fact: tearing fabric has deep roots in Jewish mourning traditions. In Hebrew, it's called “keriah,” and it’s traditionally done when someone loses a close relative, symbolizing the tear in their life and heart.)
(Another fun fact: when they passed around fabric to tear at the Yizkor event, everyone tore it effortlessly. And then it was my turn. I stood there trying to rip it over and over until finally my friend couldn’t take it anymore and handed me their keys to help. ILMPLL! I love my pathetic loser life!)
At the end of the service, we were all invited to place a small stone by the park fountain. We made our way over in silence as the rabbis sang. Unfortunately, it was really windy and the fountain was on full blast, so when we bent down to place our stones around it, the water pelted us in the face. The relative silence and rabbi’s singing was interrupted by pfftftptptpftooo pfftootooo sounds as people ages 0 to 80 spat and batted at the water while trying to put their stones down.
The words spoken at the event were powerful, and I can’t do them justice here, but if you’re interested, you can read/listen to some of them [x].
After the service, I had to take the train 25 minutes to pick up two fedoras from a straight guy friend of mine who says he “wears them for bits, not in earnest.”
A few days earlier, I ventured to Chelsea to pick up two fedoras from my gay guy friend after his 4pm Barry’s Bootcamp class. He also, upon handing the fedoras to me, emphasized that he “has them for comedy, not real life!”
First off, comedy is real life. It’s one of the realest things we have—it’s “truth most directly”. Secondly, it’s OKAY to wear a fedora in earnest! In fact, every single man that I’ve seen walking down the street in a fedora looks SO happy, at peace, and in his power. Fedora men’s faces say: “Nobody can stop me, while I’ve got this thing atop me!” — Amen!
I will reveal why I needed the 4 fedoras soon, but feel free to leave guesses in the comments.
And that’s been what’s UP! With ME!
Jess being out of town this week meant my nights were spent sitting alone on the couch, binge-watching clips from The Voice on my phone until I passed out. I may not have a job or health insurance, I know the entire story of how and why Michael Buble’s 6-year-old kid loves Snoop Dogg! And that “Team Reba” is lookin’ pretty strong this Season!
Snack Of The Week was — randomly — a turkey slider I was handed at a NewFest Happy Hour.
C U Next Tuesday
Bonus Jonas
sit-down band, not marching, Jews don’t march, we did enough of that in the camps
writing a gender theory book about this
wanna die writing “killer reel”, but it is, sadly, something I wondered…
"we did enough of that in the camps" took me out lmao