A Whole Vending Machine Just for Pastries: REID #237
And clapping for Judi
SHORT:
Today Katy Perry, Gayle, and a few other celebs went to space. I did too—the space that’s up your butt and around tha corner!1
Just kidding. I haven’t been anywhere.
But my neighbors went to France for a month and asked me to collect their mail, and some of it got wet because our carrier has a will-they-won’t-they relationship with the mailboxes.
I feel the urge to address the bloated and warped envelopes… be like, “Hey—so as you can see, your Crate & Barrel catalogue is puffy, but that was actually 100% the sky, not me.”
But that also sounds like… it was me. So should I just not say anything?
Comment below with your thoughts.
MEDIUM:
Meanwhile, it’s been snowing inside our apartment. We bulk-ordered toilet paper from Target—and it’s been doing what I’ve been calling: “White Christmas” all over the bathroom. You pull on it, and it explodes into a cloud of white powder fluff that goes everywhere.
At first we thought it was a one-roll fluke. Then a one-pack fluke. But now it’s been five straight weeks of festive cheer. As a Jew—and someone who doesn’t love when the toilet paper detonation radius includes the sink, the floor, and your lower back—I’d love for it to be over :)
What else…
I bought anti-balding juice, and I think it’s working. The spots look smaller. Or maybe my spots and I have just… reached a quiet truce. Like a guy who stops running from the ocean and walks in, chest-deep, whispering, “Okay.”
Whenever I’m bored, I Google “evolutionary reason for balding.” And Google’s like, “No one really knows, man.” Which is perfect. Because I love mystery. And uncertainty.
LONG:
I had jury duty on Friday. I didn’t know what to wear. Google said: “Respect the court, but look a little off so they don’t pick you.” So I wore a polo, loafers, and let my confusing gender presentation do the rest.
When I got there, everyone else was in sweatshirts and sneakers. I thought, great—I’m not just getting picked, I’m about to be handed a gavel and asked to run the trial.
We stood in the rain until they finally herded us through security and into a silent holding room, where they played a bunch of videos about the honor of serving. It really moved people… to stare at their phones. I was fading fast—and it was only 9am.
But then… a miracle. A star appeared onscreen. He descended a set of library steps, said “Oh! Hello there!” and cracked open the silent room. Four to five people chuckled. It was electric.
I don’t know if this guy was a trained actor or just someone they found outside the Park Slope Food Co-op—but he had it. Total star quality. I referred to him in my head for the rest of the day as (Dame) Jury Judi Dench.
He promoted the Brooklyn Public Libraries and urged us to visit one on our lunch break. I was going to Chipotle. But I appreciated the tone. Like he genuinely believed I could change.
About thirty minutes after Jury Judi left the screen, a woman came out and dismissed anyone with a child, a felony, or a language barrier. Then she added, “Students, too.”
Which, in Brooklyn, apparently includes lifelong learners, Duolingo users, and anyone “reading bell hooks slowly with friends”—because three-quarters of the room stood up and left.
I was too scared to lie, so I stayed behind with the English-speaking, childless, felony-free losers.
From 10 to 1, nothing happened. We just sat there quietly. I tried to read but fell asleep, then fell out of my chair. Which woke me up. I looked at the clock. I looked at my phone. Opened my laptop—no internet. Tried to hotspot—no service.
Eventually I got hungry enough to risk jogging down to the vending machines, hoping they wouldn’t decide to start calling names the second I left. I got a blueberry muffin from a dedicated pastry fridge, and turned to the woman next to me and was like, “Can’t believe they have a whole vending machine just for pastries.” She did not respond.
A few hours later (after sill calling zero names), they announced a lunch break. I went to Chipotle and scrolled through every corner of the internet trying to figure out what the gals “behind the scenes” are doing during Jury Duty while they make you wait.
If you're reading this while stuck in the silent room, Googling 'nobody's been questioned and it's already 1pm'—I see you. I was you. And sadly, I don’t have the answers!
I actually ended up leaving Chipotle early because teenagers arrived, and I was in a polo and worried I’d get bullied. I came back to the holding room early and scanned the QR code on the TV to try to get a free library card (couldn’t get it to work).
We sat in silence for two more hours, and then, finally, a woman in pearls named Honorable Sunshine came to the mic and informed us we wouldn’t be needed. There were no cases today. But thanks for showing up.
People clapped, and the man behind me said, “Why are people clapping?”
“It’s not for her,” I whispered. “It’s for Judi.”
C U Next Tuesday.
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If this is your first time reading, pls check out the archives.
Sincerely,
Reid Pope
Snack Of The Week:
Jess is away, so naturally I’m writing this next to a ceremonial pile of garbage I’ve chosen not to take out—because it’s Freedom Week in Reid’s America. Also nearby: a stack of dishes I’ve been avoiding. They’re stained a haunting yellow from a HelloFresh recipe that I naively assumed would be simple, but instead involved hand-rolling gourmet corn dumplings.
I, of course, waited until I was shaking with hunger to start. That’s my sacred ritual: procrastinate until the last possible second, then speed-make the meal like a starving Depression-era housewife. But usually they’re easy. This was not. I spent hours standing over a table rolling these little corn shits into balls and eating the dumpling casing raw while I worked because I couldn’t wait. They’re Snack Of The Week because they have to be. Not because they were good. Just because… they have to be.
No press coverage on my journey :( And I sang while I was up there just like Katy!
i rly enjoyed this one