SHORT:
i’m at the edinburgh fringe living in a camper van and have eaten the same halloumi wrap every single day for lunch
(halloumi wrap is what they call p*ssy in scotland)
(i’m kidding! could you imagine if that was what my comedy/humor was like?)
(maybe it is!)
(i’m still finding my voice!)
(i’m only 26!)
This place (edinburgh, scotland, uk, planet earth) is amazing but exhausting.
It’s like Coachella except everyone’s doing comedy or theatre instead of singing and i don’t think Billie Eilish is here.
Despite the fact it’s freezing, the girlies are still out in little stringy tops!
i think jojo siwa should come here — i feel like she’d be a huge hit @ fringe
they seem to love lesbians — in this auld towne
everyone here looks like one — no offense
i should write a travel book
MEDIUM:
This is more or less what’s happened so far (emphasis on less b/c i’ve been sleeping in a camper van next to a fridge with rock-hard biscuits and a car alarm that we set off if we roll over so my brain is not exactly onnit like a carbonnit):
upon leaving the states, my gay senior citizen pen pal wished me luck but said to “be careful in the UK because one time he went there and was messaging a lad who turned out to actually be an old woman with tits down to the floor chewing gum drinking a beer who just liked messing with gay men”.
So I’ve been making sure to ask all the lads I’ve been texting “if their tits go down to the floor and if they’re an old woman who likes minty beer”.
We flew from NY to Washington D.C. (45 mins) and then to Edinburgh, and on the flight from NY to D.C. the woman next to me spent the entire time editing one single photo of herself in a butt-out-hands-on-hips position.
Then, when we landed, she picked up her phone and just said the word “inconsiderate” into it.
Don’t know what that was about.
I hope she’s having a nice time wherever she is.
The music at laguardia airport was so good that we asked the waiter “who was on the aux” and he said “someone from corporate”
So shoutout to the f*g at laguardia corporate offices who’s playing nonstop slammin’ bangers as people eat tuna sandwiches and get ready to fly across the world to do a little show about being gay
LONG:
On the plane from D.C. to Edinburgh they gave everyone a Chobani yogurt. I hate the smell of Chobani so much, that, even though I had my mask strapped to my little head, I started losing it when everyone cracked open their tops.
As I was hit with a tidal-whiff of Chobe, I thought about how we can put a man on the moon but we don’t have planes where you can open the windows a to air things out…
When we got to the Ed airport, the passport guy looked at my passport photo in which I have long hair and said, “you’ve changed quite a bit” in a fun accent.
I was like “I’ve changed a lot. 3 years ago would’ve jumped off the plane if everyone and their mother started chowing down on a Chobe. But today I muscled through it.”
We had to Uber to pick up our camper van, but we accidentally Ubered way too far, so we ended up walking on the side of the highway with our suitcases for 30 mins until we found a place called “Greggs” where a bunch of Scottish women let us hang out until we figured out which way was up.
We eventually found the camper van place and a woman named Claire and her 80 year old father drunkenly showed us how to “pop the top” and convert the vehicle from “a day to night look”.
We thanked them and drove (on the other side of the road), a very stressful few miles to a Tesco where I asked a man for help finding a specific type of milk and he said, “I’m onnit like a carbonnit!”
Everyone here says things like that. It’s amazing. The buildings are beautiful and even when I’m in the worst mood in the world, I’m still like “I wanna live here”.
In NY, one thing goes wrong in my day, and I’m like “they should nuke this place”.
Wonder what that’s about.
Because we’re living in a van, we’re showering and shitting at a 24 hour gym (that we got a free one month membership to) — except for the incredible few moments at 2-4am where we get to pee/poo in the park next to our vehicle!
The gym plays loud music in the locker room at all hours of the day, so we get to wake up to EDM music with lyrics like, “no mistakes, no monsters”.
I’ve been going to the same coffee shop every morning where I humiliatingly, in my American accent, order “an Americano” and everyone thinks that’s so apt/funny.
At night, I get french fries covered in curry sauce at late night fish and chip places.
The U.S. sucks butt for a lot of reason but mainly because they don’t have late night places that sell fries with curry sauce on top.
So far I have seen:
Chris Gethard
Delicious Fruit
Shelf
Bella Hull
Patti Harrison
A Eulogy For Roman
SAP
Man and Woman
Opal Fruits
Anthony Devito
and our show (3x) (i’m doing tech :) even tho they said someone else was going to do it for us :) that’s okay :) i love this city! strangely! regardless! of! everything! that! has gone! wrong! :)
okay i need to go see another show so I’m gonna be done with this!
no mistakes,
no monsters!
c u next tuesday
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Sincerely,
Reid
Venmo: @rpope-venmo-26
Donate to The Audre Lorde Project
Bonus Jonas Zone:
u r v brave for not only ordering an Americano in Europe but then RETURNING to that same place for ANOTHER Americano. (id be afraid of my name instantly becoming "Americano" to the locals)
what if it turns into a Cheers situation where they all say "REEEEEEID!" when u walk in and then they slide you an Americano