REID #92

Jul 05, 2022

SHORT:

This week I was kicked out of the women’s bathroom at Target by lady who yelled “Ur a man so U must use the mens bathroom!”

Shoutout to Mx. Timothee Chalamet & Harry Styles for making her think that, these days, “men” look like me :)

I spent the day feeling sort of annoyed/ sad about being LGBTQ.

I felt just like Kurt on Glee :)

Speaking of TV shows, I’m watching The Bear on Hulu and it’s so good

(the other morning, my grandma called Hulu “Hula”, and I laughed til I cried. It’s the little things!)

MEDIUM:

I’m in California for my cousin Gena’s wedding.

My girlfriend Jess is here too.

She met my grandparents.

My grandpa kicked things off by telling a hilarious joke about how “he and my grandma had oral s*x the whole car ride up— screaming fuck you back and forth for hours”. He then looked at Jess and said, “so everyone loves you — why?”

She chuckled. God bless her.

On the way to California, Jess and I almost missed our flight (because if you’re a sad-looking d*ke who doesn’t know their ticket # at the Newark airport ur actually a ghost/ legally invisible I guess and everyone will just look right through you instead of helping you even though you’re on your knees screaming and begging for help).

We eventually used the United chat-bot on Jess’s phone to get the info and ran through security (cutting the line, and carrying our shoes as we sprinted to the gate only to find that our plane was 35 minutes delayed and not even boarding yet — awesome!).

There was a guy in front of us in the security line who also was going to SFO with us who remained extremely calm the whole time and, at the end of the debacle, just was like, “so are y’all from the West Coast or East Coast”. I was like “I was born West but have lived East for a while” and he was like, “I can tell from your energy”.

Awesome!

Whatever. We made the flight…

And it was freezing (the man next to Jess looked like a dementor /death eater with blanket over his body the whole time).

The man behind ME was screaming/singing/yelling so loudly that the flight attendants asked him to stop and he… didn’t <3 and they gave up <3 I could barely hear the words to the award-winning movie I was watching (The Lost City starring Sandra Bullock and Channing Tatum) because he was listening to an hour-long voice memo OUT LOUD on his phone.

Oh also before the flight, I made Jess go to the Times Square H&M with me (at 11pm) to find a “Napa-y” blazer for this Napa wedding. Yes, the wedding was in Napa (“just like The Parent Trap!” — my adult gay therapist, 2 days before I left). I ended up getting a green blazer for 13 dollars and Jess got a tan one (& everyone at the wedding kept calling us “twins” even though last I checked, green and tan are not the same, one’s the color of trees and the other’s the color of everything in my therapist’s office).

Oh also— we went to the Times Square H&M at midnight because we were seeing Macbeth on Broadway right before leaving town. Daniel Craig walked onstage and immediately went Bond-mode and started whisper-yelling and exasperatedly throwing himself around and someone next to us gasped and said “is that Daniel Craig?” as if his name/face wasn’t plastered on every poster and program.

ANYWAY, after our the flight from hell, Jess and I got to my parents’ house and took a 2am shower and the door was broken so water went absolutely everywhere.

Then I watched some TikToks even though it was 6am EST. Kate Bush used to belong to gay ppl and now thanks to Stranger Things she belongs to straight bros on TikTok who use her as background music to their America Ninja Warrior videos.

I expressed this to Jess and she said… nothing because she was asleep.

LONG:

I had a TikTok go viral and now people on TikTok r telling me no offense but I look like Frankie Muniz I sound like Miley Cyrus and I’m lying about my entire life <3

Sort of phenomenal. To be alive and in this world and interacting with other alive humans in this world who say whatever they want while using technology like they’re some sort of power-drunk high schooler doing the morning announcements.

Whatever.

Who cares.

Back to the Napa wedding.

The day before the ceremony, my parents, Jess, and I drove up to Sonoma and went to a winery where a man dressed as the 200 year old Hungarian Father Of Viniculture gave us a 45 minute tour fully in-character.

He kicked things off by talking about how there are no gender pronouns in Hungarian and “he never needed his anyway” – happy pride pride never ends.

Then we found out that he was eaten by crocodiles and alligators in Nicaragua (after founding the first winery in CA and getting rich and then getting kicked out of the winery because a worm ate all his grapes).

If you’re new to the newsletter, you should know that my gf is obsessed with Alligators (specifically the gatorsdaily account on Twitter that posts a weekly music video called “Flat Fuck Friday” every Friday that features extremely flat versions of alligators). So naturally… the eaten my alligator detail of Mx. Hungarian Viniculture Daddy’s story made her very excited.

Later in the trip, my father got Jessica alligator socks that he thought “were totally cool and perfect for her” and Jess was like, “I think your parents like hanging out with us”. And I was like “ya THINK?”

They love her.

It’s very cute.

At one point on the wine tour, Jess asked my mom “if she liked the wine [that we were tasting]” and my mom said, “I like every wine, I’m sort of a Wine Slut”.

We called her Wine Slut for the rest of the trip.

My mom would like me to give credit to her friend Stacey for coming up with that label. She cannot take credit for it. Thank you, Stacey.

We got very drunk at the crocodile pronoun winery and left around 4pm. There was a shrub maze at the end on the way to the parking lot. and my dad waited at the entrance as Jess, my mom, and I stumbled around it and told everyone that “we’d be in there since noon”.

This newsletter is getting incredibly long so I’m going to wrap it up since my mom just told me that “shorter is better” and I said, “it’s hard because I sort of just open up my computer and let it rip”.

Gena’s actual wedding was very fun. She looked stunning. A baby named Sebastian kept following me and Jess around and staring at us. He was like “what am I looking at”. I felt he was too young for me to reply with, “twinkdykes”.

The wedding ended with late-night pizza (genius).

Jess decided that if she was to ever officiate a wedding, she would say, “You may now slay the slay” and/ or “I now pronounce you slay and slay”.

She laughed so hard thinking about this that she cried/ couldn’t breathe.

I love her and my grandparents and my parents and The Bear on Hula.

C U Next Tuesday, Wine SLuts.