SHORT:
My mom wants Sean Hayes to know that “she has a very good idea for him”.
I can confirm that it’s a very good idea. She told me about it this morning on the phone.
Reply to this newsletter if you are Sean Hayes and want to know my mom’s good idea.
MEDIUM:
The week started like any other: my therapist told me I needed to “lighten up” about comedy/life/everything, and I screamed “I’M LITERALLY SO LIGHT” and then the session ended.
The next day I went to the acclaimed “Shoe Bodega” two doors down from my apartment in the pouring rain. I clomp-squished in and asked if they had size six loafers and the guy said he “no longer sells little boy shoes, so [I was] shit outta luck”.
This meant I had to wear my Doc Martens to the Tony Awards and risk everyone asking me if I was a part of some sort of Fun Home revival.
LONG:
Yes. I went to the Tony Awards. Why? Nobody knows.
Just kidding. I was a seat filler.
I ran all over Radio City Music Hall. Many people called me “buddy”.
It was 10,000 degrees inside the place, I could barely hear or see, and I had 6-7 panic attacks about why I was trying to pursue theatre in the first place yada yada yada tale as old as time, but I had a blast :)
At one point, I was seated behind a group of gays. I decided they were either gay agents or gay stylists. Then Take Me Out won best play revival and two of them smashed their lips together like it was June 26 2015 and gay marriage had just been legalized before running up to the stage and I went, “ohhhhhh gay produuuucerrrrs”.
It’s cool that the people who wrote Six The Musical are like my age. And by cool I mean I had to go on a long walk today and tell myself that I was “actually okay with not accomplishing anything until I was 40, until then I’ll just vibe” (I’ve never vibed or done anything close to vibing in my life).
If you didn’t watch the Tony’s, there was a part where Billy Crystal “engaged” with the audience and did call-and-response Yiddish “scatting” and it sounded like pretending like I did my Hebrew homework for all 9 years of Jewish day school.
Right after Billy Crystal “engaged” with the audience, he woman next to me took off her shoes and said, “don’t judge me”… and I said “I’m not judgin! I’d be fully naked right now if I could! It’s so hot in here and also D*r*k Kl*na is behind us!” (just kidding, I didn’t say that, seat fillers are forbidden from engaging in any sort of cross-seat talk… also… if you know who D*r*k Kl*na is, c u in therapy <3 ).
Idk who the woman who removed her shoes was but she was tall and hot and had fancy glasses and took photos of just Sarah Paulsen the whole time, so maybe she rly likes her or maybe she works for her. Will I get sued for typing this? I think there’s probably a lot of tall hot people with fancy glasses who were at the Tonys.
As you can probably tell by the crystal clear picture of me at the top of this newsletter, I had to wear a tux to the event…
And we all know my rant about tuxes… why do you have to buy buttons and put them in yourself… (dingdingdong it’s 2022 let’s just buy and wear shirts that already have buttons on them and use our energy elsewhere…)
I really don’t understand why it’s considered hot/cool/important to choke your neck with a collar and bowtie and make yourself look like you have a chode neck… but I guess the founding fathers were into that sorta thing or whatever… how come they didn’t talk about THAT in Hamilton huh, LIN? In the room where it happens that everyone has chode neck because of their fancy collars…
Also ur stomach bloops out in a tux in a way that’s just not flattering.
And that’s all for TuxTalk (this week).
What else…
I’m reading the diaries of Lou Sullivan and Susan Stryker wrote this in the intro and I cried because of how beautiful it was (lol):
“At age 13, Lou wrote ‘I wanna look like what I am but don’t know what someone like me looks like. I mean, when people look at me I want them to think — there’s one of those people… that has their own interpretation of happiness. That’s what I am.’ Those words have stayed with me for decades, and in the intervening years I still found no better way of expressing what it means to be trans.”
…
Bradley Cooper’s fake nose in the new movie he’s in feels antisemitic to me.
…
And tickets for the show I directed that’s gonna be at Edinburgh Fringe are now on sale HERE. Buy ‘em if ur British or Scottish or Irish or over in that area!
…
That’s it for this week.
I wish everyone luck on their journey to avoiding chode neck and becoming an interpretation of their own happiness.
If u r Sean Hayes. Reach out. My mom’s idea is actually really good.
C U Next Tuesday.
Thank you for subscribing. If this is your first time reading the newsletter, read the archives. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s not – it’s very much like when people slip on ice.
Sincerely,
Reid
Venmo: @rpope-venmo-26
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