REID #83

May 03, 2022

learned 2 inject because I was tired of T goo — i luv going thru menopause and puberty @ same time it is like I am starring in both roles of The Graduate

SHORT:

The person I went to prom with is getting married… And he is also the heir to a makeup company’s fortune… So the marriage will definitely have a really good… foundation etc. etc. badum chh I hooked up with him in a Prius.

Some cis boys post so many shirtless photos you’d think they got top surgery or something.

The guy I went to prom with doesn’t post a lot of shirtless pics. Those two thoughts were unrelated… I guess I’m just, once again, giving my award-winning takes on masculinity… Thrilling everyone with my broad gender musings… (call me Tucker Carlson! Jk do not).

MEDIUM:

This newsletter is (once again) being penned at the sweet hour of 1am.

It’s sponsored and powered by the “pesto hummus” sandwich I panic-bought from the grocery store on the way home.

I got off the train and tried to enter the store and a man yelled at me that the place was closing and I was like “please, I must eat something or I’ll pass out on the sidewalk” and he was like “okay but make it snappy” so I went in and grabbed the first sandwich I saw, which happened to be the O'l P-H.

I’ve never heard of a “pesto hummus” sandwich in my life, but regardless, I did not expect there to be OLIVES in it. As I walked down the dark and stunning pavement of Flatbush Avenue, I sunk my teeth into my P-H and boom. Three olives upon the first bite.

I hate olives. Olives are like if grapes had the worst personality in the entire world.

I still ate the sandwich in its entirety tho.

SOMETIMES you must INGEST things even if you don’t like them!

#SayTHAT!

[I honestly just didn’t have the strength to “pick out” the olives and “felt bad” throwing them on the sidewalk as I made my way home and “didn’t want to” enter my apartment lobby with a fistful of planet earth’s worst iteration of ovular fruit]

LONG:

My parents were in town this weekend. Jess and I took the subway to meet them for dinner. On the way to the train, we heard someone laugh loudly on the street and Jess said, “wish I heard that joke”.

Then, on the train, we sat next to two romantically involved straight people (a woman in big green coat and blonde man, both playing games on their phone and not interacting). Midway through the ride, out of nowhere, a random French woman came over and said, “what a beautiful, loving couple” to them before stepping off the train.

Jess and I were literally sitting RIGHT next to them holding hands. And we were like LOL okay screw us I guess. What is this? Florida? Say gay! At this point, even if it’s derogatory, we’ll take it! But the woman was gone.

We recuperated from not being told we were beautiful by sitting and staring at subway ads. Then there was a loud 5 minute ongoing screechhhhh as our train went through a tunnel and I did my classic: “is anyone else hearing this? or just me?” joke.

The next day we did brunch with my parents and I accidentally bit Jess’s lip right before in a way that gave her a mark that looked like lip-liner so I kept saying “drag brunch!” which she loved. Of course.

We went back to the hotel with my parents and my mom was telling a story about accidentally going to the wrong hotel room earlier and then immediately, while telling the story, did it again. My moms alwayssss doing hilarious shite and then saying “don’t put this in ur newsletter”.

When we were in the correct hotel room, she offered me three dark chocolate Hershey kisses in a Ziplock bag that she keeps in her purse “in case she needs a little treat” during the day. She offered me one and I said, “no thanks, I don’t like dark chocolate” and she said, “neither do I, but I trained myself to like it”. Then we went to a girlboss slay of a musical where they talked about living out loud and not training yourself or forcing yourself to do anything. My mom danced along and hooted and hollered.

The Tudor Queens Of SIX rly walked so Hil Clinton could run…

Speaking of which…

Roe being overturned… ugh.

On Friday I saw comedian Alison Leiby's show about abortion and she talked about how more people should talk about abortion to make it less of a scary and taboo thing and at the end of the show she told a very insane story of how a family member got an abortion prior to it being legal... and it was just a very specific and horrifying example of how people will seek life-threatening options if safe and regular care is not available.

Abortions should be legal and trans ppl should b allowed in sports... including, and it pains me to say this, Barstool Sports (but also they maybe shouldn’t do any physical activity and just save up all their energy as youth so they can survive Bushwick circuit parties as adults).

Loyal readers of the newsletter know that a visit to (or from) mom, usually means a rousing round of her screaming crossword or sudoku clues at me and my trying to solve them with her without having any visual sense of what’s going on.

We didn’t really have time for any of that this time around…

I’d do one by myself to make up for it, but I already have spent all day staring at my computer trying to figure out how and why the mean people I hate manage to keep achieving things in life and being so annoying

— now THAT’s a puzzle.

THAT’s a brain teaser

(except it’s one that you can’t solve by flipping a few pages and reading answers that are listed next to a big advertisement where Pete Davidson is selling “hot boy hats” or whatever he sells…

he’s so tall… if I was that tall maybe I would believe in myself…

just kidding I already believe in myself…

just kidding I don’t…

just kidding I do… … …

now you get to do your own little brain teaser puzzle and figure out which of those statements is actually true!)

C u next Tuesday.