REID #82

Apr 26, 2022

SHORT:

This week I watched that new Netflix show where two British gay schoolboys fall in love.

When they finally become boyfriends, one of them runs around a beach and screams: "I never thought this would happen to me!!!"

My version of that is injecting t in2 my body & cutting off my tits & passing out and throwing up all over the place at monthly dr. appointments & seeing my therapist at a gay bar where every1 is fcking by the urinals.

I never thot this would happen 2 me!!!

MEDIUM:

It’s 1am and I just got back from watching Jerrod Carmichael do a work-in-progress show at Union Hall.

I was very inspired by how he is able to sit in complete silence and formulate a thought before saying it.

He is so confident.

And I am… whatever the german word for [someone who locks themself out of their apartment and then is too scared to ask people in the apartment lobby for the # to call when you lock yourself out but the building maintenance guy Marvin tends to be “around” so you go up and down the elevator to each floor looking for him and then after 45 minutes when you can’t find him you finally get the courage up to ask somebody in the building for Marvin’s # and you call it and it turns out Marvin is 2 hours away at a soccer game with his 7-year-old so you sit in the building lobby for two hours pulling clips for an It Gets Better podcast you’re working on and think about how “better” is a relative term] is.

When I am onstage, I skitter around like a deranged mouse on cocaine, filling any and all potential silence with nervous squeaks.

One time my therapist asked me if I ever thought about “not being like that onstage”.

He also asked me (this week) if I “have ever tried feeling powerful?”.

Awesome questions!

The answer to to both? Of course, botch!

But sometimes we can’t always get what we WANT. Sometimes we TRY but do not ACHIEVE. For example, this week, I tried (for 23 minutes) to tell the man across from me on the train that his iPhone flashlight was on and blinding everyone in the train car but I (and everyone else in the car) failed to do so.

I often TRY to be refined at the ice cream store and order something like “pistachio” flavor but then end up going whole hog and getting “cookies and cream cookies and cream crumble peanut butter brownie”.

This week I TRIED to be athletic and jump over a turnstile because I swiped my card twice by accident and the turnstile screen thing said “just used”, but midway through my athletic jump, my shoe got caught and the turnstile flew back and hit me, and the SECOND I was STRUCK by the METAL, 25 police officers came out of NOWHERE and were like “go back and pay for your ride” and I try to tell them that I did, and that the turnstile just fucked up, and that my card keeps saying “just used” but they’re like “we don’t care” and stand there and watch you and this other guy whose card is also saying “just used” stand at the machine and buy a single ride metro card and pay again and then go on with the rest of our nights like all of that didn’t just happen.

remember when the FBI came to my door because i tweeted about shooting the ball in times square if it dropped before my voice did?

#tbt

tfw u let ur freak flag fly and end up on the no fly list

LONG:

If my mood and writing seems off this week, it’s because it’s 1am and also because I had to re-download TikTok for work this week and and it’s ruining my life and melting my brain.

I hate the gays on it. I hate the straights on it. I hate how everyone does that thing where they make a cute face and press their fingers together. If anyone comes up to me in real life and does that finger thing, I will cut off their head.

This weekend I went to go see a lesbian bar owner named ‘Dave’ perform with their lesbian band in Queens, and in the middle, I turned to my gf and said “It’s giving… classically trained”.

Today I decided to do a parody of The Importance Of Being Earnest for my final project in one of my classes and I am going to call the parody The Importance Of Being A Huge Cunt/Bitch.

I blame all of this on TikTok.

If I have kids and they grow up to be serial killers or behave badly in school?

I blame TikTok.

It’s actually insane that anyone in the world takes something called “TikTok” seriously.

It’s a nightmare wack crazy that we can say words like “Google” with a straight face.

Also, here’s a question: y is Google always and still doing tv commercials?

i think u sold us on ur product long ago

i think we all know what it is

speaking of companies like Google and TikTok, does anyone have a summer job that I can work?

I want to work my dream job (no job), but alas, I live in the world.

Earlier today, I I laughed maniacally at a man who ran for the train and then missed it.

Watching a grown man run for a train will never get old… it’s better than sex etc. etc… it’s so fun to see a man work hard for something and then not get it… etc. etc… this part of the newsletter is sponsored by refinery29

alright, i am about done with this thing

i need to go to bed

last night i dreamed about how i was giving a TedTalk on “the human condition” and my main pt. was “how crazy it is that we, as homo sapiens, invented things like war and then also the blue man group”.

I was also saying shit like, “isn’t it so crazy that we spend our whole young lives trying to b normal and then spend our adult lives worried that we’re too normal/ boring? now that’s what i like to call… exquisite!”

then i had a dream that I went to Times Square and yelled “oh my god is that Anne Frank?” and everyone whipped out their cameras and looked around

goodnight!

was this long section actually shorter than the medium?

oh well

im queering traditional notions of 'size’ and ‘length’

c u next tuesday!