SHORT:
I love being in the world’s worst mood for zero reason whatsoever.
It’s like someone put a bomb inside me and I’m like “what’s this?”
And they’re like “a bomb”
And I’m like “why?”
And they’re like “idk!” and then they do a peace sign and smile and walk away.
MEDIUM:
I am currently watching someone solve a math problem on their computer. There’s lots of numbers and greek letters and squigglies and he seems to be enjoying the process… of solving it… I hope 2 one day not immediately be filled with dread when faced with something that I must "solve" !
When I look at a paper with a math problem or play I need to edit or task I need to do, my skin feels like it’s lava. Is that normal?
This week I saw a movie that made my cry. Especially when one of the characters became a rock with googly eyes on it.
Then I called my gay senior citizen pen pal and had a sublime 25 minute conversation about a creative writing class in which he wrote a story about a man who put prunes up his butt and the 6th one wouldn't stay in!
Art really is amazing.
LONG:
I always hear commercials for auto parts and realized recently that I don’t think I can name a single aforementioned part of the auto.
I also would not know and do not know when to go to auto part store?
There are so many commercials for them…
It seems like something I should be doing a lot more.
My Netflix special will just be someone forcing me 2 go 2 an auto parts shop and asking me if I know what anything is (and I won’t, and it’ll be one of the funniest, saddest things in the world, the next Nanette etc.)
Here’s the thing about Nanette… whenever ppl reference it, I think of my grandma's friend Nanette who makes amazing brisket and sponge cake for passover! Sorry! Deal with it!
Speaking of Passover, it’s coming up. I’m not going to Los Angeles this year for it. I usually do/ have in the past. My grandpa wears a dish rag on his head fastened by a sweatband and calls himself Moses. He uses a ski pole as a staff and pretends to part the red sea in his hallway. He is a radiologist who likes to make his passwords to things Icin2u.
When we were little, my grandpa would change his voice to be high-pitched and run around the house yelling, “I’m Granny Gabby” while making fart noises. I think he should bring “Granny Gabby” back and go on Ru Paul’s Drag Race with it. She would bring the house down.
Maybe I should make Granny Gabby an IG…
God… Instagram… Instagram is a great way to be like i hate myself now let's post a picture of that aforementioned self that i hate!
I spent last night “mincing fronds of dill” as I listened to a podcast featuring an Instagram celebrity who I find annoying.
HelloFresh has me doing things I’d never thought I’d do, for example “mincing fronds of dill”.
Idk WHAT has me listening to a podcast featuring an Instagram celebrity who I find annoying…
Unsolved Mysteries hosted by Robert Stack will be featuring this inscrutable stumper on their next episode: The Curious Case Of The Dill Mincing Soundtrack!
This week Camila Cabello was on SNL singing about how she’s worried if she still has sex appeal. I love when a conventionally stunning woman sings about topics such as that! I no longer really care if I have sex appeal. But that’ll probably change in two to three days. Alwaysss does!
This week I went to urgent care and a woman with an apple watch and high ponytail prescribed me coochie inserts for my UTIs. She told me that her menopausal 80 year old mother uses them and she uses them and now I have the honor of continuing that legacy.
The other night I threw a fit because people from the internet keep writing movies. I got really stressed out and screamed “everything is Buzzfeed!” and rolled around on my gf’s bed and said, “is this even real? Is this even a bed? Or am I rolling around on Buzzfeed rn?”
Cone of silence about that btw. If anyone asks, I love Buzzfeed and the internet and the films the digital sphere produces!
… when ppl say “cone of silence” I’m like wat kinda cone r we talking about cuz if it’s ice cream cone I can’t promise I’ll b silent bout that…
… Godddd, I gotta start wearing bowling shoes 24/7 so I don’t slip on my own tears from laughing so hard at my own lil jokes!
I’ve spent most of this week watching interviews with Michelle Yeoh and behind-the-scenes videos from the set of Everything Everywhere All At Once (an amazing movie that everyone should go watch). My gr8 grandparent went thru ellis island and came 2 country so i could spend my days watching instagram videos of movie crews dancing 2 what does the fox say and having incredible vibes on set!!!
Mother’s Day is coming up and I just had a vivid memory of being in Elementary School and making stationary from scratch/pulp and then writing Mother’s Day cards on it.
Interesting that they call it “stationary” cuz I shake my little ass and dance with glee when I see that fancy paper (hilarious! busting out the bowling shoes again…)
… I think maybe tho, instead of learning how to make stationary in school, we should learn how to fill out forms and mince fronds of dill so I don’t have to google “how to mince” at age 25.
Btw I read that nice email from my professor (that I talked about in last week’s newsletter) out loud to my therapist this week at the speed of light in a tone completely devoid of emotion and I looked up and my therapist was crying.
I’ve said the word “cry” so much in this newsletter this week…
April crying brings … May… flying?
Let’s hope!
I just remembered that my friend Matt wanted to be mentioned in this.
Hey Matt. I think you should wait to sleep with the authority figure you matched with on Tinder until after we graduate from the institution where the aforementioned authority figure works.
Matt and I are both sponges in that we absorb emotion from conversations with people and hold onto it for way too long.
We must learn to when and how to thoroughly and frequently wring ourselves out instead of waiting for the sponged-up contents to slowly evaporate.
We talked about this while getting drinks with said authority figure.
Ooo ooo ooo! Gossip rag. Gossip mag. Gossip week over here at the Reid Newsletter!
Keep Calm And Keep Mincing That Dill #KCAKMTD!
C u next Tuesday.
Thank you for subscribing. If this is your first time reading the newsletter, read the archives. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s not – it’s very much like when people slip on ice.
Sincerely,
Reid
Venmo: @rpope-venmo-26
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“now that im w/ out ur kissies, i’ll b needin’ stitchies” - shawn!