REID #74

Mar 01, 2022

SHORT:

I feel like everyone in the world is “serving c*nt” rn and I am serving… bagel. At least people love bagels. There’s usually a long line outside bagel stores…

The other day, I got high and tried to come up with reasons why I am on this earth and my brain was just like “the reason is the reason” over and over again, so if that resonates with anyone lmk!

MEDIUM:

On Friday I drunk-performed Sondheim’s Follies in church for a bunch of strangers. I recently looked at the photos captured during the 4 hour experience and nearly cried because of the way I looked (from the side and back and even? The front!).

Interesting how pictures of me never look the way I want pictures of me 2 look… Let’s make a camera who “gets it” a little more… While we’re at it, let’s invent a mirror-who-gets-it too.

I really wish I didn’t care about being hot.

I always don’t think I care, but then it’s 3am and I’m looking at people’s “close friends” IG stories where they’re shirtless and ripped and have jawlines and it makes me want to punch a wall and then I’m like, okay… breaking news… looks like I do, in fact, care.

I want my own desire AND to be desire’s object! How annoying! To want everything so much! From everyone! All the time!

It’s like I’m on Shark Tank every single day trying to sell me to myself. But I’m not as fun as that guy who went on and sold little pictures of cats that he drew.

My gf recently “went off” about something and then immediately after said: “Say THAT!” to her own statement. I am trying to reach that level of adorable, powerful confidence in everything I do.

Until I figure out how to achieve that…

I’ve decided to “go method” for my next set of standup shows by hating myself in all the days leading up 2 them and then stepping onstage and being better at hating myself than ever b4.

LONG:

The other night, My gf’s roommate came home and wanted to talk to my gf about something, so during their talk, I sat in bed and took a 48 question online Freudian analysis test.

Turns out I am anal retentive. But I also scored really high in the anal explosive category.

I have like 900 pages of writing due this week for school, but instead of writing them, I’m watching the Euphoria finale and picking my toe.

Everyone in my cohort and the world has seen so many movies, and I have just seen like… Finding Nemo.

Maybe I would be smarter if I could get myself to watch movies that are set during war or on a prairie but I only like movies like movies with emotional fish or movies where people have a long talk in a supermarket parking lot eating cheese puffs and then like… one of them runs off to have sex or they have sex with each other or something.

What does that mean, Mr. Freud!?

I guess I’m just scared of big moments and big forces and big things. I like smaller moments. And animals. Like fish. War and horses and prairies and wind and guns and outer space r too intense for me (or maybe so intense and broad that they circle back around and become boring).

Or maybe war and horses and prairies and guns and outer space are so vast that they freak me out and remind me that I’m gonna die.

I don’t want to die, because I know I’ll “pass on” and meet god and she is going to be a TikTok lesbian (and I’m gonna have no choice but to toss her a “like”).

After all… god’s the queen of doing little dances…

Just kidding. I don’t know if I believe in god. Or anything (Rock on And Just Like That alert!). Nobody is anything and everyone is everything and if u think otherwise maybe I’m wrong lol. The other day at a comedy show the host said clap if ur a twink and my gf clapped and I was like “my work here is done” and the gay man next to me was like “what are you even saying”?

I like thinking about things in flippy, constructed, de-constructed ways because it is fun and also it weirdly calms me down. Remembering that everything is fabricated helps me feel less insane. Construction can be demolished. Fabric can be torn apart. Everything can be disassembled, in theory.

My therapist says I have avoidant attachment and run from things (like relationships) when they get too close/connective and blow things up sometimes (or have the urge to) when they’re going well and I feel supported. Maybe the paragraph before this is a rhetorical, metaphysical example of that.

I suppose this explode-y feeling is what happens when u spend years being full of shit (anal retentive). You grow up and become scared of any sort of stasis/calm/rest because it means you might get constipated again so you run-run-run-avoid-avoid-move-move-move while desperately yearning for a return to stagnant, slow, simple CALM personhood.

Did you know the guy who went on Shark Tank and sold cat drawings also gave a TED Talk on collecting raccoon penis bones for fun (and profit)? Look it up.

TikTok lesbian god really said, “alright let’s let this weird dude do whatever he wants”.