SHORT
Whenever people ask me “what’s goin on”, I’m like, “I hope u packed a lunch!” and then promptly realize I sort of have nothing going on…
Earlier today, I won an award in my head for thinking about how I should make a Boogie Nights parody film called Boobie Nights that chronicles my last few nights with boobs (August 31st - September 2nd 2020).
These thoughts are not connected.
But maybe they are.
MEDIUM
It is Valentine’s Day and I’m currently sitting at a cafe eating a CUPCAKE by myself. The cupcake… now who’s the goddamn genius who invented THAT? I refuse to google.
I made a card for my girlfriend that hilariously says “dumb c*nt whore bitch etc.” across the front and then inside there’s a profession/ re-iteration/ affirmation of my love 4 her.
A few minutes ago, I met three women from L.A. who were cold in their big coats and sunglasses. One of them thinks she might have a thyroid problem because she gained weight.
They saw me making a card with pink and purple pens and came over and were like “hey, we saw you from across the way, and just wanted to tell you that we think it’s SO sweet that you’re making a handmade Valentine card, people don’t do that anymore”.
Then they looked down and saw that I was writing “dumb c*nt whore bitch” in cursive and they were like “wait, are you making a joke card?” and I was like “no it’s a real card for my real gf” and they were like “GIRLFRIEND! ….. ? …… We LOooooVE tHaAT!” (call up Human Rights Campaign and give them this year’s ally award).
Then one of the brave ones (thyroid gurl) lowered her voice and was like “you have nice handwriting” and then stared one more time at the “dumb c*nt whore bitch” in cursive and laughed like she was a little afraid of me and herself and then they all left <3
LONG
I’m still in hate-myself-mode re: scripts and writing.
I can't wait until ppl want scripts that are just like: "she walks down the stairs" instead of "a dripping wet fox of a woman (30-something), with legs that glow like the moon & the sun just f*cked, moves, ever so slowly, with 1 foot, then the other, down a set of wooden steps".
Also, every professional industry script I read these days is always like, “Amanda (f), Lexi (f), and Pink Freud (nb) walk into a dimly-lit room…”
Should I name my kid Pink Freud?
They might kill me but also love me.
Pink Freud could be huge on TikTok just because of their name alone.
They could make pink Valentine’s that say “dumb c*nt whore bitch” and then psychoanalyze themself…
I went to Long Island this weekend with my girlfriend and her gay brother and his friend Ava who made fun of me for eating a Thin Mint in one bite.
While in Long Island, my girlfriend’s gay brother and I sat in his grandma’s cozy living room by a big fire and he said, “This is the living room I want when I grow up, and I wanna sit here, alone, with no family, knowing it’s all mine”.
I was like, “awesome… I hope you… get that!”
My girlfriend’s grandma is about to turn 90, and we asked her what she wanted, and she said, “to make it til tomorrow”.
She also said she wanted her daughter (Sue, who was in the next room) to stop bugging her, but “that’ll only happen once [she’s] dead in the ground”. And then she crossed her arms over herself, pretending to be deceased and at peace.
After Long Island, my girlfriend and I came back to New York, and instead of watching the Super Bowl, we attended an off-Broadway production of Little Shop Of Horrors (one long Super Bowl commercial for whatever drugs the creators of the show were on when they wrote it).
At the show, I told my girlfriend (for the thousandth time) that “they don’t make musicals like this anymore” and that “I was a potted plant in my Jewish middle school production of Little Shop and a Doo-Wop girl in my high school production”.
She was like, “I know”
But then after the show was like: “okay… name another song as amazing at Suddenly Seymour” … and I was like… MY WORK HERE IS DONE! :)
In case anyone cares, my brother used to sing “Suddenly Seymour” in the shower when he was 4 years old because of how much I played it around the house.
My grandma has a sticky note on her computer that just says “Suddenly Seymour — Seth, age 4” because it makes her laugh to think about. It makes me laugh too.
At the play, we watched a bunch of huge-armed gays from Hell’s Kitchen have a breakdown when they realized that the famous gay who was supposed to play Seymour wasn’t there that night and we would be watching the understudy sing to a bloodthirsty plant.
My girlfriend had the same meltdown a few minutes earlier, and I told her that she should move to Hell's Kitchen to be among her people.
During the Long Island Trip, I decided that “If ur straight and ur nice? that’s kinda gay of you & if ur gay and ur nice? that’s kinda straight of you.”
They will be publishing this in the next big book of queer theory that comes out and I will go on speaking tours and eclipse Judith Butler as gayest best theorist.
In case you haven’t seen it, I’ve been (hilariously) posting online a log that “I’m “too pretty to be straight”.
Because girlies Twitter have been relentless about how “people don’t believe that they’re lesbians because they’re so hot”.
Which is fair.
But I simply cannot relate to that experience.
My girlfriend sent me a Valentine’s text this morning that said, “I love you as much as the long-haired girlies love talking about how they’re too hot to be gay”.
AKA SHE LOVES ME A LOT. ARGUABLY TOO MUCH!
I’m gonna get canceled for talking about this. Everyone just do their thing.
Live life.
Be a woman who walks downstairs or be a dripping wet fox of a woman (30-something) with legs that glow like the moon & the sun just f*cked who moves ever so slowly down a set of wooden steps OR don’t b a woman at all.
Be whatever you want.
Be Pink Freud.
C u next Tuesday.
Thank you for subscribing. If this is your first time reading the newsletter, read the archives. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s not – it’s very much like when people slip on ice.
Sincerely,
Reid
Venmo: @rpope-venmo-26
Donate to The Audre Lorde Project
Bonus Jonas Zone:
one time my collegiate a cappella group walked 7 miles around campus delivering singing valentines to ppl and I had to sing “burnin’ love” to a giant football player in front of a 1 million person chemistry lecture and this is why i am strong <3 this is why i am weak <3 this is why i am damaged <3 this is why i am awesome <3
Always have on hand a few packed lunches for when people ask what’s goin on. Would like to donate to make sure Booby nights gets made. Also would like to see a remake of the valentine a capella burnin love!!!!! I always read this as soon as I get it and then screen shot bits to my teenage child who wants to live in nyc. ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥