REID #66.5

Jan 05, 2022

If my boys at the FBI are reading this. Hello.

SHORT:

2022 is off to an amazing start! Yesterday the FBI came to my door because on NYE I JOKINGLY tweeted that I was going to “shoot the ball if it drops before my voice does”.

MEDIUM:

I was peacefully sitting in my apartment (watching the new Queer Eye), when my gf called me and was like, “hey, not to freak you out, but the FBI is on their way because you tweeted a dumb joke about being trans that accidentally, turns out, was a threat”.

I obviously thought that my lover was PULLING MY LEG, until she explained that she wasn’t and that 3 FBI guys legitimately just came to her apartment and questioned her blonde roommate about “where she was on NYE” (the fact they questioned the blonde first was obviously directly related to the fact that Elizabeth Holmes just was sentenced! — kidding). Anyway, my gf’s roommate was like, “I went to dinner and then was at home doing nothing on New Years Eve, we all were, there’s a pandemic raging.” And the FBI was like, “ok well someone from this IP address tweeted something hilarious but stupid” – and my gf was like oh my GOD that’s my dumbass partner Reid! The FBI was like “oh yeah we googled them and saw that they’re a comedian”... (except they didn’t use those pronouns or that name… so much for the FBI knowing everything about u lolol). Then they saw that my gf had a cat and joked about how “they might have to question the cat”.

After a few minutes and more questioning, my gf gave them my info and they left and she called to tell me that “they were on their way”. I waited in my apartment, furiously googling “can you get arrested from a tweet” until they arrived (I turned off Queer Eye BTW and did this in silence, I didn’t feel it was right for them to open the door to JVN telling a cattle rancher to “live, honey!”).

LONG:

After an excruciating 72 hours of waiting (it was probably more like 20 mins), the agents buzzed my apartment and I looked in my little door cam thing and saw their FBI windbreaker jackets and faces on the door cam and was like “oh okay that’s the literal FBI, Jess wasn’t kidding”. I let them into the building, and heard the elevator whizz up, and tried not to shit my pants as they came down the hall and eventually knocked.

I opened the door and one of the guys was like, “hey this is Special Agent [x] from the FBI, can we come in?” and I was like “oh my god yes hey hi please my neighbors are probably so scared because this hall is rly echo-ey and they definitely just heard you say FBI”. They laughed and came in and were like “wait… cute apartment” and I was like “thanks I worked really hard on the decor” (maybe I should’ve left Queer Eye on and we all could’ve watched together…)

Then they were like “so you know why we’re here, right?” and I was like YES I’M SO SORRY FOR TWEETING ABOUT THE BALL BASICALLY I’M TRANS AND ON HORMONES AND IT WAS A REALLY DUMB “TOPICAL JOKE” WHERE I BASICALLY ANTHROPOMORPHIZED THE BALL AND I AM SO, SO SORRY” (yeah. I nervously used the word anthropomorphized in front of the FBI). They were like, “no we know, we were laughing about it on the way here, we googled you and went on your website and saw that you’re a playwright and comedian” (my website where the first thing is huge picture of me shirtless BTW – so… the FBI has really seen… all of me).

They asked where I do shows and were like “we just gave you material, didn’t we?” and I was like wait… yeah am I allowed to talk about this? And they were like ya just make us seem awesome like say that one of us looked like Brad Pitt and another like Denzel… etc. And I was like okay yes TOTALLY I will say that 3 gorgeous men came to my door!

After that, they asked to “look around” and took a single step into my studio were like, “okay that took a ton of time” – classic joke about studio size! FBI stands for Funny Boys Inc! (credit to my friend Leanne for this joke). Before leaving, they asked me about grad school and were like, “what did you do before grad school?” and I was like “I did podcasting industry stuff” and they were like “oh so you’re like IN this industry” and I was like “sort of yeah im trying my best”.

And then I remembered. That I had spent the last week doing a packet for a TV show that required me to google Q-Anon people for DAYS. So I was like OH MY GOD IT PROBABLY DIDN’T HELP THAT I HAD BEEN DOING A PACKET ON THE INSURRECTION THE ENTIRE WEEK BEFORE FOR A POLITICAL TV SHOW WRITERS APPLICATION SO MY ENTIRE SEARCH HISTORY WAS Q-ANON. They asked which show it was for and were like holy shit that’s a cool show good luck hope u get the job, and I was like YEAH I HOPE SO TOO HOPEFULLY THEY WON’T NOT HIRE ME BECAUSE THE FBI JUST CAME TO MY DOOR.

They were like, “literally chill, you’re good – just give us a call before you wanna tweet something like that again during a national event – run it by us first” and then handed me their card (which is now the centerpiece of my gf’s fridge door, amidst a bunch of YAY CATS! magnets and polaroids of us hugging).

So Yeah. My life is a movie.

I wrote a joke so criminally funny that the FBI took it upon themselves to come to my door and tell me how criminally funny it was.

After they left my apartment, I spent the rest of the morning being like, how do I just… move on with my day… How do I just… casually tell my therapist on Thursday that the FBI came to my door…

I’m probably on some list now… Should I get a lawyer in case this accidentally happens again in the future… ? This is why I should be repped by CAA! Just kidding… But CAA, if this story appeals to you, HMU!

Many people have been like, “Congrats! You’re officially a comedian to watch!” and “fuck JFL, I wanna book the no fly list!” People have also contacted me to let me know that “this happened to Mulaney”, so I can’t wait to have his career trajectory. Next up I’m gonna play Radio City and have a baby and get to f*ck Olivia Munn!

Another friend told me that, next time I should threaten to HUG the Times Square Ball in solidarity if it drops before my voice does: “Trans Times Square objects aren’t the enemy, Reid! As a community we need to lift each other up not tear each other down!”

Tru.

Also apparently when they came to my gf’s house, my gf kept using they/them pronouns for me and they were like wait so Reid lives with someone else? And my gf was like “no they live alone” and I just can’t even imagine the chaos of them trying to understand the plural pronoun being used for one person…

Christ.

The whole thing was hilarious and scary and insane and I’m so overwhelmed and never want to tweet anything ever again (except I did. I tweeted multiple times about this whole experience. But whatever. They said I could!).

I’m similarly terrified to be writing about this in my deranged newsletter but AGAIN! They said I could!

I’m also super scared because now the FBI knows where I do comedy shows, and if they show up I gotta be SO good! Can’t embarrass myself in front of my gorgeous boys!

The point is.

I’m one step closer to one day inevitably and actually getting arrested for being a huge giant dumb bitch.

I basically was in my own episode of Succession where Jess was Tom at the fancy dinner telling me that the FBI was going to come but not to worry.

I need to not make the fact that the fbi came to my door b/c i tweeted a stupid joke my… entire personality.

I dunno.

I want to end all of this by acknowledging my privilege as a white person in America and making it extremely clear that I am very lucky that this whole thing went down the way it did. I realize it could’ve gone many different ways depending on different factors.

The fact it was a tweet about being trans was weird. The fact they didn’t really understand that I am trans and that complicated the questioning and stuff was weird. But, at the end of the day, everyone was laughing throughout. Which was unsettling, but lucky. And 100 percent connected to who I am and what I look like.

I hope everyone is safe and not making too stupid of a joke today.

I hope everyone who wants their voice to drop is having it drop.

I hope that you enjoyed this bonus newsletter.

C u next Tuesday.