REID #66

Jan 04, 2022

SHORT:

My Seamless account still has my deadname and I’m too lazy to change it so whenever I get something delivered I pretend it’s an amazing gift from someone I used to know and I’m like “omg how thoughtful, someone sent me 3 poke bowls”.

MEDIUM:

This week I watched all of Siwa’s Dance Pop Revolution on Peacock. It’s a show where JoJo Siwa and her mom work together to teach 10 year olds dances and songs and then eliminate them if they don’t do a good job and then the remaining ones become “the next big pop group”.

I would like Jojo Siwa to come to the Brooklyn Comedy Community and do this with 25 year olds. I am willing to rehearse 16+ hours a day.

While watching the show, I decided that I want to look like “Luke”, the children’s vocal coach. He randomly has long blonde hair that he puts in a little ponytail which is something I used to have and I hated but I guess now I want it again. But only if I grow to be six feet and get a jaw and a couple of weird floral suits like “Luke”.

After watching the entire show in one sitting, I tried to record myself dancing to the hit Megan Trainor song that goes, “Who’s that sexy thing I see over there? That’s me. Standing in the mirror… If I was you, I'd wanna be me too. I'd wanna be me too.”

After 3 takes, I gave up, because I will never be as good as “XOMG” (the name of the 10 year old girl pop group that they assemble).

Then I learned that JoJo Siwa was dating a MAGA girl from TikTok and my entire world fell apart…

I cried myself to sleep…

The next morning my gf came in and saw that I was staring blankly at the ceiling, and asked “if I was still thinking about Siwa” and I said, “yes” and she was like “oh my god I was JOKING, are you serious?”

AND I WAS LIKE YES! I LITERALLY SPENT THE LAST THREE DAYS WATCHING THIS SHOW AND WATCHING HER TALK ABOUT BEING A HUGE DYKE WHILE WEARING A GIANT BOW IN FRONT OF TEN YEAR OLDS WHO ARE OBSESSED WITH HER AND PAVILIONS OF KIDS SCREAMING HER NAME AND TOLD EVERYONE THAT SHE’S CHANGING THE WORLD AND NOW IT TURNS OUT THAT SHE’S DATING A TERFY TRUMP SUPPORTER AND WENT TO A BASKETBALL GAME WITH HER AND SAT COURT-SIDE AND APPARENTLY ALSO HER MOM MIGHT BE ANTI-VAX AND THE GAWKER ARTICLE WHERE I READ WITH ALL OF THIS INFO RUINNNEEDDD MY LIIIIFEEEE!

But THEN. I got an alert.

JoJo Siwa posted a TikTok...

That said…

She’s currently SINGLE!

So what’s the truth?

GOD.

Nothing is sacred.

Why can’t she just do sapphic DWTS dances on television and be perfect and have no flaws?

The TERF detail was particularly hard to swallow because my gf and I were JUST talking about how JoJo is “one breath away from being she/they” … (at the end of the day, aren’t we all?)

LONG:

It was another great week of watching LGBTQIANDJUSTLIKETHAT.

Carrie’s realtor who she just met literally five seconds ago told her that if her back hurts she should go to the doctor so she does and the doctor is played by a guy that’s currently in the revival of Company on Broadway where he sings really high and I’ve watched a lot of videos of him doing it anyway he tells Carrie to get surgery so she gets it and then she pees the bed while recovering from the surgery while Miranda has standing up sex with Carrie’s nonbinary podcasting boss in the kitchen.

Also Charlotte’s kid comes out as some sort of nonbinary and re-names themself “Rock” and everyone’s like “okay what”.

My therapist is on vacation until the 6th, but he told me that I could email him if anything “comes up” so I think I’m just going to send him an email with no subject no body just this incredible screenshot of Charlotte’s husband “processing” ...

I should probably also tell him that I love my girlfriend mostly and only because she can sing the song “Don’t Rain On My Parade” really well. I thought about this the other day while I was on the treadmill. She can sing it so much better than I ever could (pre-T).

I’m thinking about musical theatre again because I’m doing a show at 54 Below and made the brilliant decision to start taking vocal-cord-altering drugs months before it.

To promote the show, my friend Zachary had the brilliant idea to wear tuxes and go take pictures in Times Square, so we made plans to do that and then the battery of his camera wasn’t working so we had to call B&H (camera store owned by Orthodox Jews) and order a new battery and change into our tuxes on the subway ride there.

During the ride, I learned that tuxes are just suits without buttons/ buttons that you have to buy and put in yourself. Which is so incredibly dumb… Also the person who created buttons could make a KILLING putting them on tuxes.

Anyway yeah so we got changed on the train and Zach screamed about how he could write a better version of Legally Blonde The Musical if someone gave him a few minutes and then he looked up and was like “oh Reid you put all the buttons into ur tux the wrong way, u did it the girl way, welcome to man-life where you 4 some reason put buttons in the opposite direction of girl buttons.”

I will teach my kids that if they grow up girl but then become boyish they will have to switch their buttons around (and that, if they’re wearing a tux, it’s not gonna come with buttons and they’re gonna have to bang on the door of the Atlantic-Barclays Men’s Wearhouse and be like “hey you said you opened at 10am I need some buttons for my tux that inexplicably doesn’t come with any” and the titular men in the wearhouse will be like “we actually open at 11 even tho it says 10 online” and you and ur friend Zach will be like “fml” and u will kill time by going to BestBuy to see if they have the right battery for your friend Zach’s dead camera so maybe you won’t have to go to B&H in Manhattan after all & then of course they won’t have it (even tho they do usually carry it) so you will go back down to the Men’s Wearhouse that’s now open and get the buttons and put them in your tux and arrive at B&H and get the camera battery but it won’t come charged so you will have to plug it into a wall inside the B&H store and stand their in ur tux and wait for it to get to 6% and be 2 hours late to your photoshoot in Times Square where u will have five american minutes to snap all the photos before the camera that’s on 6% dies).

The photos turned out alright though.

If you are still reading this. Type “hey” in the comments.

Earlier this week I bit into a cold burrito at 10am while my retainers were still in! (if I was you, I'd wanna be me too etc.)

I think JoJo Siwa lives behind my grandma because one time my cousin told me that.

Next time I visit, I’ll climb over the fence and scream “so did you date a TERF or what, bitch?”

C u next Tuesday.