REID #64

Dec 21, 2021

saw this while getting coffee / going outside 4 first time in 3 days

SHORT:

Is there a hotline to call when your 30-something-year-old therapist uses the phrase “load of hooey” during a session?

MEDIUM:

Covid’s surging. The Sex And The City reboot is approaching transness from every possible angle. I can’t get myself to watch Ted Lasso because I’m worried he’s going to “get hurt and/or sad”. I am stuck inside. I made matcha cookies. Two days later I made “brown sugar cookies” that came out more like muffins.

I watched 3 hours of “celebrities read mean tweets” and tried to write some of my own but all I could come up with was “Leonardo DiCaprio makes movies for people whose whole personality is how big their TV is” and “Taylor Swift is a pretty good singer and songwriter for someone with blonde hair”.

LONG:

I am bored. Life is boring. I feel like I have nothing to offer. My mental health professionals think my creative and emotional constipation is happening because I am in a constant state of self-attack but they clinically and iconically cannot help me figure out how to stop the attacking.

They just want me to “describe what it would be like if I didn’t tell myself I was stupid all the time” – something impossible to do while you’re telling yourself that you’re stupid.

I spent half of this week’s therapy explaining “televisual theatricality”. When I have kids, I will warn them that one day, when they grow up, they might have to spend thirty minutes of a therapy session trying [and failing] to explain “televisual theatricality”.

I will also teach them that one day they may be in a show called Sex And The City and their name might be Kim Catrall and instead of returning to the reboot they will choose to do the Queer As Folk reboot and then as revenge the writers of the Sex And The City reboot will try to make their show 99% about pronouns.

If my kid tells me they’re trans, I will fall off a bed as an homage to Charlotte (because that’s what she did in the show). It’s so important to dramatize a feeling instead of just having a character say it. For example, if they’re feeling shocked or overwhelmed. Have them fall off a bed.

Did you know that Busy Philipps and I got the same sinus surgery and then last week we both got our first sinus infections since the surgery? Why would you know that? If you knew that, stop stalking me. Her nonbinary kid had their acting debut on an Amazon show and I panned through every episode to find the kid’s scenes and watch them and feel emotional like a creepy loser.

In other news, the straight guy contestant on drag race WON! Just kidding. Could you imagine? I mean, maybe he will win. Who knows. 10 bux he lip syncs to Fat Bottom Girls.

This week’s newsletter is pure fluff. So if you came for the brilliant shit I usually provide? Sorry. I can’t be profound every week. Sometimes I just have to report facts. And these are the facts.

If you want to read something holiday-related, I highly recommend my newsletter I wrote a while back about working the door at a naked dead gay santa party. Ignore the deadname, I’m too lazy to change it (like I said, I’m lazy first, trans second).

Speaking of which, if we go into lockdown again, I’m not doing 8 weeks of keto like I did last lockdown. That was suuccchhh a person named M*gan move.

I tried to watch Single All The Way and couldn’t. Perhaps it’s because I am in a world-famous relationship. My girlfriend’s dad sometimes still calls us “friends” and recently asked Jess if she and I “were really tight?”

Awesome!

Anyway, I don’t know if I can do any more “inclusive” Christmas movies. When people are like, “u gotta see this inclusive holiday movie” I’m like is it all-inclusive? Like do I get a drink and is there free breakfast? Hilarious joke.

This year’s Christmas will be interesting because people will ask “what me and my siblings are up to” and all I’ve done this year is tweet about ass, all my sister has done is tweet about “crypto covens”, and… my brother doesn’t have twitter and is happy.

Also we’re Jewish. Which is always a bit strange.

Don’t get me wrong, my Catholic cousins love Jews and all wish they had Bar Mitzvahs, but it’s still weird to be a k*ke on Christmas.

And then here I am…

a d*ke k*ke…

sort of an incredible combo!

Nevertheless, I’m excited to talk to my Catholic cousins and ask what they’re up to and who they’re in love with and they can’t call me “nosy” because that would be antisemitic.

Haha!

Alright.

That’s more or less “it” from me this week.

Oh, but in case you’re wondering, yes, the Sex And The City reboot still has more shoes than a Holocaust Museum and I would GLADLY write on the show despite all I said even if they only paid me 3 American dollars!!!

AND JUST LIKE THAT…

the newsletter is over.

C u next Tuesday.