SHORT:
Everyone’s annoyed w/ me because I keep saying that: “I am the only gay person at NYU”
I think it’s a hilarious joke.
Do you think if I go on testosterone, my handwriting will get worse?
It’s been one full year of these newsletters!
Are you tired of them yet?
Questions questions questions!
MEDIUM:
I am writing this from a train platform.
Jess is tweeting at the MTA because she’s pissed that our train isn’t here. They responded immediately and said the D wasn’t working (give it some Viagra then!)
Every time the MTA tweets back at my girlfriend when she rage-contacts them at 11pm, I think of the poor intern up late like, “who is this bitch tweeting at me?” & then I imagine them going to Jess’s page and seeing that it’s all Sydney Sweeney boob pics and devastating Little Women quotes and going, “ok, this paints a pretty vivid picture of who this bitch is. My question has been answered.”
Anyway, we’re home now. We saw Roxane Gay speak about a movie that wasn’t gay at a queer movie night event. It was a good movie despite the lack of gayness. When the IFC intro credits rolled Jess goes, “it’s good to be back at IFC, I missed these credits”.
One day I want to appreciate literally one thing the way that she appreciates the IFC credits.
Before the movie, I had class, and we read my Instagram Play pages aloud and the professor said that
“I was doing something she’s absolutely never seen before”
and I was like “Oh god”
but it turns out it was the good type of “you’re doing something I’ve never seen before”.
You never know!
LONG:
I successfully hosted my thirst trap comedy show (where all 195 of my thirst trap parodies were on display).
My entire NYU grad cohort came to Bushwick to see me do alt comedy shirtless, god bless them. Before this weekend, most of my cohort hadn’t even seen the bottom of my face (because of masks, not because I cower beneath the tables during writing workshop with only my head showing like the guy from Parasite), and now they’ve seen more or less … all of me.
I didn’t realize just how many thirst traps 195 thirst traps really was, until I made a trip (actually 4 separate trips) to Staples. As kids flitted about, grabbing folders and binders (and white out that they’ll never use) during back to school shopping, my naked body was shooting out of the store's printers at an honestly alarming (but sort of incredible) speed.
I also got one thirst trap printed REAL BIG at the special printing counter and the woman held it up in front of everyone and looked me dead in the eyes and was like, IS THIS YOURS?
I was like “yes Rianne, the one of me naked next to a similarly naked Adam Driver IS CLEARLY MINE!
I swear to god she unfurled the paper so slowly. Like at the OPPOSITE speed of the store’s printers.
She ever so slightly revealed more and more of the glossy image of me and then lifted it up like a torah at high holiday services so everyone else in line could see.
I was frozen in place and just kept nodding like, “yep. Uh huh that is me. Now let’s please roll it back up. Roll it back up, Rianne. Please, for the love of god let's roll the poster back up!!!”
As I explained to my therapist today, “I really don’t really like being the center of attention.”
He said, “well then it was dumb that you planned and hosted a show that completely revolved around 195 naked photos of you.”
Excellent point.
Today he also said that “sexuality and gender aren’t rly two separate things, they’re more gnarled” and I was like oh my god im REPORTING U! To the LGBT! And he laughed.
It’s literally the biggest victory of my life when I make him laugh. He’s such a stoic bitch usually (and I love that and say that with love).
The whole time during my thirst trap show I just kept worrying that someone in the crowd was going to point at me and be like “no talent THERE.” Honestly, if someone did do that, it would be kind of amazing. I’d have myself a merry little shit fit and then quit comedy and be so calm all the time.
Instead, I spent the car ride home worried that I did a bad job and deciding that I need to write new jokes and then the only thing I could come up with at that moment was “why is there Christian Dior but no Jewish Dior?”
Other things I did this week:
Went to an incredible dentist where I got to watch Netflix on the ceiling.
Saw a few plays and decided that these days, If ur play doesn’t have the word p*ssy or c*nt in it? Then honey it’s not a play!!!!!!
Decided that “I am so totally Toad”
& that when I don’t rly know all the words to “Levitating” but sing em real loud anyway? That’s called taking a Dua Lipa Faith
In honor of having made it through one year of these, I thought I’d recap/detail some things I’ve come to learn (from the captions of Instagay thirst traps).
#1
Did you know that “pink isn’t just a color. It’s an attitude!” ?
and
“if you bring nothing but drama to the table, don’t be surprised if people get up and leave?”
Apparently you’re supposed to also:
dance on the edge of mystery, speak even if your voice shakes, bloom where you’re planted– we accept the love we think we deserve, ur never too old to dream a new dream, and if you go to the link in Andrew Keenan Bolger’s bio, you can get 15% off Starbucks’s Honey Veranda Blend, because mornings should never be boring. The first time he tried coffee with honey was at the cutest little cafe in San Juan, Costa Rica. He was immediately in love. The honey added such a yummy flavor to the brew. Back in the states, he recreates this memory daily with his Starbucks Honey Veranda Blend. It’s a morning beverage that he’s always happy to wake up to.
*imagine he comes in and snipes me right here right now*
Anyway, that’s all from me.
See you next Tuesday.
Thank you for subscribing. If this is your first time reading the newsletter, read the archives. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s not – it’s very much like when people slip on ice.
Sincerely,
Reid
Venmo: @rpope-venmo-26
Donate to The Audre Lorde Project
some photos from thirst trap nite:
