REID #44
SHORT:
I went to a wedding this weekend where the mother of the groom sang a solo at the top of the ceremony.
MEDIUM:
Moments before I left for the aforementioned wedding, my phone turned into a black and white cookie.
I could only see one side of the screen and typed blindly throughout the trip, praying that Apple wouldn’t autocorrect any of my texts to say insane things.
When we got back from Ipswich (where the wedding was), I ran to the AT&T store (truly straight from the train, so sad the way we r dependent on TECH).
The man at the store told me that I was eligible for an upgrade and I almost kissed him on the lips but he was wearing a mask.
Honors students at Cornell University are investigating why I chose to get the purple iPhone option. It’s not very punk rock (and I always try to be punk-rock-presenting despite my love of Sara Bareilles).
While I was checking out, an incredible Jewish man in his late 70’s walked in and announced that he tried to go to the Times Square AT&T store but “it no longer exists”.
The employees at the Penn Station store were like “it does exist”.
And he was like “no it doesn’t”.
And they were like “yes it does”.
And this went on for, I swear to god, 10 minutes.
The incredible Jewish man in his late 70’s who later introduced himself as “Mike” told us that he tried calling the store and nobody picked up so he went to Times Square and couldn’t find the entrance/storefront and then said, “maybe they had to close it down because someone was murdered there.”
I really didn’t (and still do not) understand that logic/ detail/ thing that he said but, soon after he said that, the employees at the Penn Station store called the Times Square store and somebody picked up and Mike was like “oh NOW you pick up!”
Mike was born and raised in Brooklyn and taught middle school math for 30+ years. He “doesn’t fancy himself a mathematician, but he DOES fancy himself a sort of ARITHmetician”. He changed many kids’ lives with his teaching. Some went on to do great things. Others are no longer with us.
Isayah, the employee who was helping Mike setup voicemail on his flip-phone, asked Mike if he wanted to get AT&T TV and Mike said no because he needs to pay 200 dollars to get this very specific cable channel that plays 60s movies about men with cameras and he doubts that AT&T has THAT.
Isayah didn’t know but did explain to Mike that his name was spelled “Isayah” and not “Isaiah” and then Mike launched into a beautiful monologue about how “did we know Isaiah is a name from the old testament and by the way do we know the story of god telling Abraham to sacrifice his son and by the way do we know about god telling us to be fruitful and multiply?”
The guy helping me who had been more or less silent the whole time was like, “yeah I’ve heard about that.”
Mike was like “good”.
Isayah works at the AT&T store but dreams of working in real estate.
Mike knows a guy who used to do that. He will try to put them in touch.
Isayah asked Mike “when the prime of his life was” and he said: “I am in it right now.”
By this point, it was time for me to leave.
I walked out and stood in the street and used my purple iPhone to tweet: “I have an award-winning Twitter AND an award-winning ass”.
I deleted it moments later.
I wonder if Mike knows a guy who can help me achieve my goals.
LONG:
The wedding was black tie. Our side of the family doesn’t really “do that”, but we made it work.
My Uncle Mark who is a retired drummer borrowed a tux from his retired trumpet player friend. He also knew the harpist and the bassist at the wedding. His daughter was like “Yep. Classic. Of course Dad knows the harpist and the bassist”.
My uncle Dan ordered a tux and it randomly came with a purple vest so he was there wearing that.
My girlfriend Jess attended the event with me. She has yet to meet my parents, but, at this event, she met every single one of my second cousins, great uncles, and once-removed-twice-folded-twisted-around family members.
Two days before the wedding, Jess and I learned it was black tie and went to Uniqlo and H&M and every store in Brooklyn to try and find something that was appropriate to wear as gay people to this wedding. We did 900 “fashion shows” for Jess’s roommates Rachel and Alexis until they finally approved our look.
It was sort of a nightmare, but in the end, all worth it BECAUSE, the minute we arrived, a woman in the bathroom with a cane and tinted lenses (who we now call Mx. Ally) said “YOU TWO LOOK DAPPER”.
She continued to point us out to her friends for the rest of the night. Jess and I were tearing it up on the dance floor and she was like “look at them, I’m obsessed with them!” We passed her later at the bar and she said, “there they ARE!”
Someone call the HRC, I want this fabulous ally b*tch giving a speech at the annual dinner where Elliot Page came out that one time!!!
The wedding was in a giant mansion that everyone was calling a “manor”. To me, a manor means someone died or is going to die. So that was a bit concerning. I kept expecting to find Professor Plum in the billiard room with a dagger (world-famous board game reference!
Thank you to my mom who insisted that we have “family game night” every night for years even though we all are incredibly competitive and somebody would always end up storming out in tears.
Have y’all seen White Lotus? My family on vacation… is... a carbon copy of the Connie Britton family… vibe-wise… sometimes it’s horrifying to see urself onscreen :) Reply to this if you’ve seen the show and think I identify more with Quinn or the Syd Sweeney character. Also, Connie Britton is my dad’s favorite actress).
Anyway,
We rolled up to the manor with my younger cousin Danny, his girlfriend of 10 years, and my cousin Caitlin who is literally a hero and nursed 1 million people back to health during COVID by HERSELF fresh out of school.
Everyone else on her floor refused to come in so she ran “COVID island” alone and one time two old people fell and another lady was washing her whole head in the sink and Caitlin was like “here I am alone and I gotta deal with this… classic times on COVID island.”
I was very hungry upon arrival and told my cousins that if the place had passed hor d'oeuvres when we walked in, I would kiss everyone on the lips including my conservative family members.
There weren’t any apps when we walked in, but I still spent the whole night threatening to kiss everyone on the lips.
My nurse cousin was like, “maybe don’t do that, because, Mx. Delta variant has arrived, etc. etc.” And I was like don’t worry I’m KIDDING.
But was I? I never know when I’m kidding or not. Is that good, healthy, and okay?
The wedding was so fancy. There was a big “shrimp boat” and it was cool and Jess and I kept pretending that we were in Succession (this wedding, as far as I know, did not end with someone driving into a lake but there WAS a pond that I of COURSE made a joke about throwing myself into).
My cousin Grace looked absolutely stunning in both of her dresses. Shoutout to Grace who I think reads this! I could not stop saying “she looks so GOOD”.
Grace and Drew exchanged very cute vows that included mentions of “woodpiles” and “goat farms” so Jess was VERY excited (those of you who read last week’s newsletter understand).
Another thing about the wedding: the chandelier in the reception tent was actually just a big plant hanging from the ceiling. Sort of like the world’s biggest mistletoe! Just saying! Perfect for kissing under!
*my cousin comes in again and screams STOP*
Jess and I took photos in the photo booth and then it broke (because of our homosexuality probably).
Everyone waited in line while the guy dissected the printer and then we decided you know what? Maybe we don’t need photos of us in boas holding signs that say “happy wife happy life” and the guy was like “at least let me email them to you later” so Jess wrote down her email.
After the wedding, we stayed in my dad’s sister’s basement and on the way, Jess was like, are they Red Sox fans? And I laughed because I realized I’ve never told her about how intense my extended family is about New England Sports.
We walked in and the entire basement was covered in framed Boston sports jerseys and there were literally Patriots-themed-Kleenex and she was like “oh”.
And I was like yeah we rival that family in The Fighter who had framed photos of Red Sox & Celtics Jesuses on the walls.
At this point in the newsletter, I would like to give a shoutout to my great uncle Chris who reads every single one of these and has been my biggest fan since day 1 (he would even read my college blog that nobody read and would repost it on Facebook!).
I only really see him once or twice a year, but it’s always a delight.
At the wedding, he came over to our table and said “where’s Reid” and we talked about the newsletter and it made my night!
He says he really likes the short and mediums.
I will brush up on my longs!
I hope he’s reading this!
In honor of his dedication to me and my writing, I would like to share some incredible things he has posted over the course of the last few years. They are always perfectly crafted and make me laugh.
Enjoy:
I think I’m going to sing Sara Bareilles at the top of my kid’s wedding.
If this is your first time reading the newsletter, read the archives. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s not – it’s very much like when people slip on ice.
Sincerely,
Reid
Venmo: @rpope-venmo-26
Donate to The Audre Lorde Project
EXTRA:
This exact thing happened to me when I was 12 in Beaverton Oregon… representation matters <3
My coach was like “why did you do that” – and I was like idk! sumtimes the body doesn’t do what you want it to, Tanja!
I had my godson from Marcy's side of the family tell me 2X that he saw "apparitions" on the upper floor. He looked terrified, but it might have been the booze speaking.
Also I told folks that I called God to dial in good weather from the second floor of this, my second home. So easy to make people smile. I think I will make this my aim in retirement.
Thanks for coming you two~
I laughed out loud at this and loved seeing you this weekend! -XOXO Mx. Black Tie Family Member