In the pictures above I am experiencing joy! and having a meltdown! about being stuck in a funhouse-mirror-maze-thing…!
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SHORT:
On Sunday I am going to a farm upstate called Woodstock to see the ugly chickens and turkeys named things like “Sue” and “Beatrice” that my girlfriend always sends me pictures of on Instagram.
She has a big calendar of these birds in her room and it’s very hard to look at, especially in the morning.
Maybe I’ll bring some Garnier Fructis shampoo with me so the turkey’s feathers could be a little less… freaky looking.
My girlfriend says that I need to “stop speaking ill of the dead” because I guess Beatrice died the other day so I guess I actually won’t be seeing her at the farm. RIP, may her memory be a blessing, etc.
The other day at dinner, apropos of nothing, my girlfriend said, “you know, when I was little, I had a limited edition One Direction condom.” I was like, “that’s… awesome, honey.” She’s lucky she’s cuter than the turkeys...
MEDIUM:
It was a HUGE week for The Popester (me).
Firstly, THE FAMOUS HYBRID CARVEL-CINNABON ON MY STREET THAT I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR FINALLY OPENED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I marched in and said, “I’ve been waiting for this for 27 weeks. I will take one of everything.”
I am the mayor of the place now.
I am the governor of Carvelanches, the king of flying saucers with crunchies, the ruler of the gooey rolls.
Despite the fact it was 100 degrees with like 90% humidity out, I ran home with my Cinnabon box, heated them all up, and went to town.
After I polished off the first roll, I said (to myself, out loud, alone in my apartment), “well, THAT was the best thing I’ve ever eaten in my life”, despite the fact that I’ve had at least 30-40 of the exact same rolls before.
What can I say? Every time I eat a cinnamon roll? It gets better.
THEN! After the rolls! The National High School Musical Theatre Awards aka The Jimmy Awards happened.
Normally, my friend Zachary and I attend these in person. We sob hysterically in the rafters of the Minskoff theater as dozens of Millies and 16-year-old Shreks sing their hearts out.
This year, the Jimmys were digital and hosted by Disney Channel’s Corbin Bleu. I’m not going to give a full review here, but basically there was a young Jewess who sang “Screw Loose” from Cry Baby and that was pretty much the only highlight.
Oh also a girl had makeup on that made her look like she was in The Addams Family Musical but then she opened her mouth and it turns out she was singing a song from Next To Normal and the makeup was supposed to be sort of “depression drag” – slay the house down boot! etc.
I feel bad for these kiddos.
Performing online is impossible.
Next year at the Minskoff!
LONG:
I’ve given up on trying to find the line between sad and funny.
One time I wrote a sketch about middle schoolers who were bullied so ferociously that they had to eat lunch in the bathroom but then they turned the bathroom into a 5 star restaurant called "The Water Closet" and my director was like "this isn't funny it's heartbreaking".
Sometimes you make people sad instead of happy and that’s just… how the crostini crumbles...
I am once again trying fucking morning pages. I’m at Hungry Ghost coffee shop where one million park slope moms with geometric purses and backwards hat boys chat and bang away on their iPad keyboards.
I’ve reached a point where everything hurts my stomach. Coffee, water, veggies, bread, etc. I cried in my girlfriend’s arms last night like I was in a movie and because my therapist basically told me to. He wants me to “accept comfort”. Food used to be my comfort and now it hurts my stomach.
The women next to me are talking about how one of their sons who’s probably named Aiden gets homesick at camp. They’re really digging into “what kind of homesickness” it is. I could not care less. I don’t know how anyone has conversations about anything.
The coffee shop has a painting on the wall of cows in a field with a UFO-like thing coming down from the sky. Why is everyone obsessed with UFO’s? I really don’t believe in aliens. And I don’t see the fun in trying to convince myself to believe in them. Aliens and Santa Claus are on the same plane for me. I’m like, “why do we circulate these mythologies?”
The Olympics are coming up. I am going to watch diving and say bizarre things. I’m in the process of making a t-shirt that says “sry for the things I said while I was watching the Olympics”. Let me know if you want one.
The problem about writing at this coffee shop in the morning is that the minute I take one sip of cold brew I have to run to their bathroom and “unload” (ew). Nightmare. Hope they don’t know. Maybe I’ll get a shirt that says “I’m a long pee-er”.
I’m reallyyy into shirt-based comedy these days.
Yesterday I walked by someone in a t-shirt that said, “I hate everyone who doesn’t get it” and I turned to my friend and said: “it seems we are walking by someone who ‘hates everyone who doesn’t get it’”.
Why do we put such dumb things on shirts? We are a wonder of a species.
Shirt ideas I’ve had this week:
#1 Roman Roy = Human White Claw
#2 Shirts With These Just Images On Them
#3 These shirts
#4
Shirt that says:
“Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to be a fish, and he will go underwater and be away from you for a lifetime.”
– Feminist girlboss slay quote I just made up
Are you feeling inspired?
#5
And then, of course, my old classics that are exposing nepotism in the biz:
Purchase them and b ur own little fashun week: https://queertheories.creator-spring.com
I wish I could wave a magic wand and make myself relax. My friend Zach is always talking about waving magic wands over me and making me believe in myself etc. My girlfriend and her roommate are always sage-ing and manifesting. I’ve tried to do that but I don’t know. It makes me feel heavy and like I’m going to cry. Sort of the overall feeling of everything right now.
Last night I watched a bunch of 30-somethings be really good at stand-up, and I want to be that good. Right now I feel like my stand-up is chapter book/ mad-libs-level with a bunch of pauses and elementary jokes and phrases and it makes me feel small, childish, and self-conscious. I want to scream “I promise I’m smarter than this! I promise my brain is better and more impressive than this shit!” I just… can’t get myself to do any better or try any harder. And what if my brain’s not any better? I’m trying to be like “that’s ok” but the dread that fills my entire physical form when I think about it begs to differ.
Unlearning. Unlearning. Blah blah. We’re all trying to unlearn the things that big future-oriented/ prestige-oriented/ capitalist institutions have instilled in us since birth. But I was always really good at learning. So un-learning is proving to be exceptionally difficult.
Never forget when I was in Tennessee at Nationals whining to my diving coach about how I “try so hard at the sport and yet I still suck” (in comparison to the other people at Nationals… again it’s like, babe, look around, calm down, jesus christ… I have always been this way…)
Anyway, he was like, ok but school is really easy for you isn’t it? And you’re at a fancy college prep private high school. And I was like “yeah ok” and he was like “there you go”. Different people have different skills. Then I went up on the 7 meter and did an inward one and a half pike and smashed my foot on the platform on the way down but tried to save-face mid-air and actually landed in a way where half the judges gave me 6s and the other half (who spotted the foot smash way up there) gave my 3s.
Greg Louganis was there judging holding two puffy dogs and I am now realizing that my entire life I have been around ripped white gays who live to critique girls. Sort of awesome. When will I get over this complex and get a new personality? Lol. Crazy that plastic surgery didn’t solve all my problems…
If this is your first time reading the newsletter, read the archives. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s not – it’s very much like when people fall down.
Sincerely,
Reid
Venmo: @rpope-venmo-26
Donate to The Audre Lorde Project
PLUGS:
Buy tickets to this show on July 28th where I will be singing songs!
Other Shows 2 Attend If You Want 2:
-July 26th: Stand-Up @ Ample Hills Gowanus, 7pm
-July 29th: Stand-Up Art Bar BK (Sophomore Comedy Show), 7pm
-August 5th: Stand-Up @ The Nest, 8pm
“aloha”