REID #41

Jul 13, 2021

SHORT:

Why is every women’s clothing store these days called something like “rose & nut” ?

MEDIUM:

Sometimes I feel like I’m missing the chromosome that gives you a general zest for life and at other times, I make myself laugh til I cry thinking of drag king names like Strap-on-ald Schwarzenegger.

1 time Sandra Bernhard tweeted about eating an Amy's microwave burrito, so I purchased them, and now I cannot stop purchasing them, they r so good… can anyone else relate? No one on Twitter seemed to be going through this… I know I always complain about wanting to be unique, but I don’t want to be unique in this way. I want to talk Amy’s bean & cheese with some1.

LONG:

On Friday night I went to Rockwood musical hall to see 4 chic guidos perform indie-alt-pop tunes. I went because my girlfriend’s roommate knows the guitarist. He played every song with all of his hair in front of his face. I kept calling him King Princess which nobody thought was funny.

The first banger the band played was called, you guessed it: “I Die In My Living Room Every Night”. The second song was sort of postmodern. The lead guido in a Beyonce shirt prefaced it with, “this song doesn’t have a name per se but we know how it goes”.

The next song was called “It’s Cold Out Here” and about “when u open up ur Big Mac and a bird shits on it”.

It was very hot inside the venue, but “It’s Cold Out Here” still seemed to resonate with the room.

There were a lot of blonde girls in the crowd dressed like they were attending a Bar Mitzvah. I’m talkin’ fullllll Betsy Johnson.

I tried to make eye contact with some of them but it was very “the lights are on but no one’s home”.

At one point during the performance I screamed “play Hillary Duff” but I don’t think the boys heard.

A guy in front of me was on molly and turned around and told me he got his green shirt from L Train Vintage and that I “gotta go” (I’ve been). He was having the most fun out of anyone in the lower east side that night. God bless him.

I went to the bathroom because I thought I got my period but couldn’t tell because the bathroom had that sexual red/blue club lighting that makes it impossible to know if you got your period or if someone’s peed all over the entire commode.

The show ended and they lowered a piano down from the ceiling for the next act and I thought, “should I stay? I tend to lose my mind when a piano is involved in something… Elton John could b up next 4 all I kno” – but I decided to hop on the train with the rest of the girlinas and boybosses and head home.

We ordered Papa John’s from the train and it took forever to arrive. It was sort of like, “is this pizza being made by Papa John HIMSELF?” (an incredible joke that I made at 1am that brought the house down).

Maybe I shouldn’t give up on my dreams.