REID #38

Jun 22, 2021

my bday is saturday here is me blowing out the candles on my 1 eyed 1 horned flying purple people eater cake (last year)

SHORT:

Should I make more plans for June, or should I repeatedly slap myself in the face while screaming “stupid bitch” ?

MEDIUM:

My therapist is the only person in the world who is both gay and logical. He’s going on vacation soon which seems like it should be a federal crime.

I told him I was nervous that he might accidentally see me do comedy one day and he said that he doesn’t go to comedy shows and would only come to one of my comedy shows if I invited him.

I screamed bloody murder about how that will never happen and emphasized just how humiliating it would be for him to “see me in that state”.

He reminded me that he’s literally seen me on death’s door.

Just kidding he didn’t say that, but his eyes did.

LONG:

I turn 25 on Saturday.

Feeling nightmarish about it of course.

If you want me to throw up and have a heart attack simultaneously, remind me about the passage of time.

Anyway, I thought I’d list 25 random things I did this week, in honor of the fact that I will be turning that # on Saturday. Creative, right? I think I saw it on Pinterest somewhere.

I actually didn’t see it anywhere. I am just too lazy to type anything else right now.

Away we go.

This week I:

waited 35 minutes underground in a tunnel on a Q train with no air conditioning and was late to dinner with my girlfriend’s friend from college who i really wanted to impress (showing up 30 mins late and sweaty definitely was not ideal way to do this)
opened the door for Seamless man in my underwear because I forgot where I was and what was happening in my life
drank alcoholic sweet tea out of a pitcher at a lower east side sports bar while talking to a bisexual Australian girl who is excited to be back in the states because even though it’s worse here covid-wise, Australia had something happen with a sea of mice
before I could ask any questions about the mice, there was a BANG and every man in the sports bar stood up and screamed YA!!!! at a television where I assume someone made a ball go into a basket
did a comedy show at a comedy club where four people from my collegiate a cappella group sat in the front row and the host was like “what brings you to this place?” and they said “we did a cappella with Reid” and my soul left my body
the host came back and was like “smart pivot to standup” and I was like… was it smart? because right now I feel like 70 people are stepping on my face and chest
went to a big underground straight club with my gf’s friend from college who was in town & in the bathroom a married woman who looked 15 asked our advice on whether she should stop her friend from hooking up with her brother in law [i forget what our response was]
danced to the hit song “Teach Me How To Dougie” at aforementioned straight club.
watched my downstairs neighbors set up an outdoor TV to watch basketball (I guess it really is basketball season, isn’t it)
watched another neighbor put his feet on the window while working at his computer and i kept trying to look away from the smushed feet but i couldn’t
read this article that my old roommate’s partner wrote and related to a lot of it
watched all of girls5eva in 48 hours
watched all of love, victor in 72 hours (the little brother in the show delivers every line like an oscar/emmy/tony-award-winning actor he will go on to do amazing things)
zoomed with my family on Father’s Day and talked about how there’s construction being done on our house right now in such a way that makes it so my brother has to climb a ladder to the second floor and then shimmy across the roof to get into his room
when he was 2, he broke his femur in a plastic swimming pool and my parents banned us from all wet plastic surfaces (to this day, my sister and I have never experienced the (I assume joy and thrill) of a backyard slip n slide)
anyway, seth (my brother’s name), couldn’t walk and was in a full body cast from ankles to armpits and had to re-learn basically everything related to fine motor skills and big motor skills
and now I guess my parents are like “eh, he won’t fall off the roof, he’s 20”
watched the latest episode of HSMTMTS
(beaUTIFUL rendition of home sung by Julia Lester, she must have a show of her own or I personally will burn the entire industry down)
stood from 11 to 5 recording voiceover for a podcast that’s coming out and had the thought “did Ellen do this during Finding Nemo, or did they give her a chair?”
watched Juno and thought “I should make a movie”
decided that one day when I hear someone say something disgusting I’ll say, “U need to invest in those bumpers that they have at bowling alleys so U can keep ur damn MIND out of the GUTTER!!”
got tickets to GOYK because even though I’ve already seen it I need my gf to see it so I can annoy her afterwards and be like “SEE! I TOLD U! BRILLIANT!” and then at 2am the next day be like “remember that part in the show where Jacqueline said the thing about…”
went to a taco place with my gf’s roommate because she’s friends with the bald bartender but then there were no seats at the bar and for the first time ever he wasn’t working there (she walked by the next day and he wasn’t there either so if anyone knows if he quit let me know)
went into a bodega with my girlfriend near her apartment and the guy waved his arms at her said “what happened”
thought about if I shouldn’t say “yes it’s me the lovechild of Jason Bateman and a small turtle” at the top of my set because it’s self deprecating or whatever but it’s accurate and I don’t see Jason or a turtle as bad things tbh
ate cereal at my computer while working (cinematic)
spun out about how I’m not doing enough or writing enough and that I’m bad at everything and will never have an actual stable career in writing/comedy or whatever it is I’m trying to do
read this article that my friend David wrote about being a Cancer where it says: At their core, every Cancer is a little bit Fleabag: tapped into a higher emotional spectrum and unable to secure a feeling of safety, prone to spinning out, dissociating, and not leaving well enough alone. Do I believe in astrology?
walked by the hybrid Carvel-Cinnabon that’s “coming soon” near me and said a little prayer manifesting that it opens on my birthday (it won’t, the inside of the building is all dust, I looked in the window)
they are hiring Cinnabon employees and I’m considering having that be my job while I’m in grad school because… as readers know… cinnamon rolls are my absolute favorite thing in the world and have changed my life many times over specifically the “center of the roll” option from the Cinnabon stand at the San Jose airport (RIP, no longer exists, Silicon Valley went the healthy and unhappy route)
Peed, pooped, sneezed. Didn’t cry, surprisingly.