SHORT:
People say that you have to “love yourself” – the problem is, I’m not into idiots.
Zing!
It’s Tuesday.
MEDIUM:
I got extremely drunk at a tiki bar and feel like shit.
It’s crazy how, when it’s 10pm, drinking 27 mai tais in a Brooklyn backyard can sound like an amazing idea and even make you feel like you’re sort of in Hawaii and then the next day you feel so spiritually, mentally, and physically far from paradise it’s comical.
If u survive an all-day hangover they should give u 1 million dollars.
Don’t ask me who “they” is – that’s homophobic.
There was mold in my brand new dishwasher on Friday (also homophobic) and I cleaned it for three hours and it seems to be all gone but I’m terrified that it’s going to come back.
Every article says that “if I used the vinegar the right way” I’m fine. Does this resonate with anyone?
Life's a freakin rollercoaster put ur freakin hands up, I guess.
Should I read Steve Martin’s book on comedy or Joan Rivers’s book or will they make me feel bad about myself? I never know what will inspire me vs. launch me into a nightmarish existential spiral. Always good to remember that, at the end of the day, I am spiraling about COMEDY… something that’s supposed to be full of happiness!
I have three shows this week, and I tried to go to mics to practice but they all got cancelled. I was sort of relieved because I didn’t want to take two trains to do 3 minutes of rushed material in a soaking wet Bushwick bar.
I hope that I actually take time to prepare for the shows on my own. Sometimes I don’t prep and then get so mad after that I didn’t know what I was doing and then am like well maybe you should’ve looked over your notes instead of spending the entire 6 hours before the show watching YouTube videos about random LA lesbians.
I think a big part of it all is… I have no idea what I want to say. And then I get scared that maybe I have nothing to say… Which actually would be a great thing to realize and then I could choose to just shut up and move on with my life. BUT NEVERTHELESS, I BEAT ON, crazed boat against the stupid comedy high school popularity contest current – throwin’ out jokes about the Holocaust and Dave & Busters and being like “is this it?!!!”. Is this the thing that will allow both of us, me and you, audience member, to keep GOING in this MAD WORLD!??
(“Mad World”– great song, I will never forget when I saw Adam Lambert sing it on American Idol. I used to watch 9 million videos of Adam Lambert telling his coming out story with his mom. And also videos of him SLAYING “Dancing Through Life” in an LA production of Wicked. Have I already talked about this in the newsletter? I forget. If I ever repeat myself, just be like, “you already said this”)
I must go back to sleep now because the inside of my skull is trying to make its way to the outside of my skull.
Can’t wait to spend next weekend doing the exact same thing I did this weekend (wear bell bottoms with Tevas and scream about how I want people to respect me).
LONG:
Happy Pride. The only time I was ever proud of anything was when I got banned from TikTok because I accidentally posted a picture of James Charles’s bare ass.
I don’t really like rainbows (too many colors at once), so this month is hard for me.
Year round, I write for an awesome little satire site called AWF (ig) – FOLLOW US!
In honor of Pride, here’s a sneak peak of an incredibly dumb thing I wrote in 2 seconds that will be coming out in AWF soon:
Dyke Gels Hair So Much It Gets Hard Enough To Open Beers
On Thursday, 58-year-old lesbian Kath Shelley used so much hair gel that her hair turned rock solid and now she can open beers with it.
“It’s the party trick of the century,” says Shelley, “It’s also great because now I don’t need to wear a helmet when I ride my motorcycle.”
According to Shelley’s partner Anna Yoggins, Shelley has had this goal in mind for a very long time. At age 30, Shelley made a vision board with pictures of rock solid mullets covered in little beer bottle tops. She would stand beneath the board each night and practice: gelling… then trying to crack a beer open… gelling... then trying to crack a beer open...
“At the age of 58, she finally popped the top off,” says Yoggins. “She came into the bedroom screaming and laughing. I was so proud ... and thankful that she did it so we could get back to our movie nights.”
Upon hearing the news about Shelley, managers from the twelve remaining U.S. lesbian bars reached out and asked if she would work their night shifts. Nanette Flanger, owner of The Girl Hole, explained via email that: having a butch who can open beers with her solid-gelled-hair would be incredible for business! Dykes would lose their minds… and order like… so many beers!
While Shelley wants to help lesbian bars stay afloat, she had to turn down the kind offers. “I open beers with my hair for pleasure, not business,” Shelley explains, “also I retired from my grueling banking job years ago and swore that I’d never work again, even in a fun bar setting."
When asked about the drawbacks of having hard-enough-to-open-beers hair, Shelley sighs. “Look, sharp is sharp,” she says. “Any time her head is near my face or crotch, we have to be really careful,” adds Yoggins. “I used to run my hands through her gorgeous curly hair... now I risk losing a finger.”
Despite the hurdles, the couple makes it work. They want to remind everyone that they’re lesbians so, communication and working things out is… sort of their speciality.
“At the end of the day it’s totally worth it,” says Yoggins, “I’m married to the first ever dyke to open beers with her gelled hair. Not everyone can say that!”
Shelley smiles and cracks open another hard one. She hands it to Yoggins and they get back to their movie night.
Was this “LONG” bit shorter than the “MEDIUM”? Oh well, that’s called QUEERING FORM.
People threw bricks so I could write this newsletter.
Sort of an awesome thing to remember.
Thanks 4 scrolling.
If this is your first time reading the newsletter, read the archives. Sometimes I’m funny, sometimes I’m not – it’s very much like when people fall down.
Sincerely,
Reid
Venmo: @rpope-venmo-26
Donate to The Audre Lorde Project
PROMO:
If you’re in NY, I’m doing these shows this week.
As frat boys say about their birthday kickbacks: “Come through”
Remember the lyrics I wrote last week? I tried putting them to music after all.
Everyone from my grad program followed me on Instagram yesterday and this is the first “taste of me” they’re gonna get.
Fantastic.
