SHORT:
I miss middle school. When my jeans were tighter than my grip on reality. When the word “pwned” was en vogue...
MEDIUM:
I am in love with my girlfriend Jess. It is very gross. It is like putting soup on toast– mushy. I used to watch other people put soup on toast and think ew, disgusting. Now here I am. Ladeling it on. Seven days a week.
Jess had me watch the entirety of Titanic this past weekend. I spent the whole time whining about how I “didn’t want the boat to go down”.
In case you don’t remember, the boat does, in fact, “go down”. SO SLOWLY.
You have to watch people almost-die then full-on-die for so long. Then the two main bastards are sad and shivering in the ice water forever. Then FINALLY a version of the Celine Dion WITH lyrics plays as the credits roll.
I made it through two hours of the film before looking at my phone (the movie is three).
When I was little, I would spend entire days alone in my room making stop-motion videos to hit songs like “Hello Seattle”. Now, I can’t even take one second to proofread a tweet before hurling it into cyberspace.
My therapist thinks all of this is connected to my “intra-psychic loneliness” (which, of course, I’ve been obsessively Googling to learn more about… cannot find a single article on it).
To be honest, I looked at my phone during the movie because I needed to stop feeling so weirdly nervous and bad about the fact that I was watching thousands of fictional but also historically real people die.
There’s a driving school near me that has a sign that says it “specializes in nervous people” and I always walk by and am like HAHA! SIGN ME THE EFF UP!
I know how to drive, but I figure, why not see what tricks they got up their sleeves?
I’m sure there are some that I can apply to other parts of my life (for example, what to do when you get anxious watching the 1997 film Titanic).
LONG:
I am at a point in my life where I’m furious that I’m not a cis gay man who can dress up like Kim Kardashian on the internet and get famous.
I tried to write a song about it, because I watched 14 videos of a young punk band called The Linda Lindas and thought, “Should I do that? To blow off steam?”
I picked up my guitar, strummed, and then remembered that I actually hate guitar because it hurts my fingers.
How do The Linda Lindas do it?
Anyway, here are some of the lyrics I jotted down before giving up on “power chords”.
Feel free to read them and imagine incredible Bikini Kill-like music in the background.
Am I unwell? Am I a genius? Either way, I spent 30 minutes of my day typing this into my notes app, and YOU get to read it!
There’s zero rhyme scheme. Every now and then something rhymes… then there’s no rhyme to b found, and then the rhyming comes roaring back like Jesus Christ will one day!
I’m not religious. I’m culturally Jewish. You readers know this. I don’t know why I mentioned Jesus, but I guess that just is what happens when you start getting really into rock music.
*Guitar Riff*
I’m not a real boy
That is not what’s happenin
If I was a real boy
I could dress up as Kim Kardashian
And people would love me
They’d die laughin laughin
I’d get a million likes
And randomly
A professional job actin’
Right?
Maybe?
I dunno,
It’s just what I see online
I rly need to log off
Cuz this shit ages me like wine
I don’t even want to act
Or be hot or cool or relevant
Just give me a job writing
On a show about a horny elephant (or something)
I am toxic
I am tired
I have crows feet by my eyes
I feel sexy
Then I feel like
Someone’s pelting me with knives
One time I edited a whole podcast for this guy
And then he forgot my name
And I wanted to cry
Soon after, the gayboy editor walked in
and the other guy screamed at him:
“oh my god i’m obsessed with you!
we’ve never met, but i IG follow ur ass!”
not only did he know the gay’s first name
but his middle and his last
then he invited him to a circuit party
while I cleaned out the fax (machine that for some reason our studio had)
IM ANGRY
IS THAT FUNNY
I heard the 90s r back honey
I’m trying to be a riot “they”
Will this b how i make my money?
It might be more like sadness
Than anger
I don’t know
every1 is like
“you’re so young, you have your whole life to go”
I KNOW
But what I’m doing now feels bad
Slash sort of like nothing at all
I’m just metabolizing older people’s fears about their potential fall
Sassy comedy makes money
But I refuse steal language from people
I cant think of a rhyme right now
So I’m just gonna say here is the church and here is the steeple
Does anything matter?
Should I just go shatter
The finance glass ceiling?
It seems unappealing
but i could do coke and go to nobu
i’d probably have to learn math tho
boohoo
it is so hard to use the part of my brain
that screams bloody murder
every time i try to calculate the tip for a burger
why am i talking
what am i doing
what do i literally care about
i read an article about white girls who are sad that they’re not more “visibly queer” meanwhile visible black trans women are getting murdered daily when they go out
at the top i said something about being a real boy
pinocchio ass shit
dont get it twisted
i dont want to (and cannot ever) be cis
i am constantly reminded
of this
by my therapist
my gf says i need to stop
saying that im dumb
and that i only got into college because of a sport
UM
i actually desperately want people to think im smart
so i tell them im stupid
does that make sense?
don’t answer that
i also really want people to think im funny
and super unique
i guess im just
a weird little desperate freak
is that coming through in this song?
i think so
there have been no verses or choruses in this whole thing
so i think it is time 2 go
Whatta song.
EXTRA:
One time I was on the train, and a man came up to the guy next to me and said “I love your work”.
I spent the entire time wondering what the guy next to me’s “work” was and praying that it wasn’t murder.
I hope that, one day, someone comes up to me on the train and says that about the absolutely incredible lyrics I shared above.
A good friend of mine read my “song” and said, “If the internet rly aged u like wine, it would make you more beautiful”.
She is a genius. I wish I could take her brain and put it inside of mine like a little Russian nesting doll.
Anyway, the newsletter is over.
That’s all.
Bless u 4 getting thru this!
If this is your first time reading the newsletter, read the archives. Sometimes I’m funny, sometimes I’m not – it’s very much like when people fall down.
Sincerely,
Reid
Venmo: @rpope-venmo-26
Donate to The Audre Lorde Project
PROMO:
I was on this podcast and had a blast!
I am doing THIS SHOW (live!), mark ur cals. More details soon.
