SHORT:
Well well well. I pulled the trigger and changed my name.
Reid is gender neutral but skews masculine and isn’t too goyish I hope lol. Baby Moses was found in a little basket among the Reeds, right? Ultimately I don’t really care. I couldn’t choose a deeply Jewish name because it was too hard to scroll through lists and lists of them. Felt like I was reading Holocaust records.
Do you like the photos above? That bandana has become a big part of my life. It took me 48 hours to assemble a simple table and chair set, but I did it. I don’t think I have ADHD, but I cannot, for the life of me, focus or follow directions if they’re typed up and stapled together in a little manual.
Wonder what that’s about.
MEDIUM:
I put off my name change for a long time. Ultimately, I knew it was necessary, but I was humiliated and NOT READY FOR THE ADMIN WORK.
In case you haven’t noticed, your name is everywhere. Apple ID. Home Depot account. Lowes account. Walmart account. Target Account. Rugs USA account.
And of course, the less important things like, Zoom/Email/Social Media/Venmo/grad school/this NEWSLETTER.
As you readers know, I struggle with the simple task of adding new contacts to my phone, so the whole organizational side of this name change has been hell on earth for me.
At the end of the day, I am lazy first and trans second.
(smoking hot third)
It’s also mortifying to look people in the eyes and be like “I changed my name from [redacted] to Reid”. If they mishear you, they’ll be like “GREED?” and try to be supportive but internally be like “what kind of Bushwick-ass performance art is this?”
Shoutout to my cousin who rightfully called me out and said I should’ve changed my name to “The” so people would have to call me The Pope. Missed opportunity.
Anyway, rebranding is terrifying and, much like sex, everyone is weird about it even when they’re trying not to be.
Hopefully in like a year, it will be normal and everyone will forget my other name.
*Cue that don’t you forget about me song but make it opposite day*
I will say, I’d love it if people could not talk to me like I was just born.
Everyone’s like HELLO NICE 2 MEET U. And I’m like… we know each other. I’ve seen you kiss a wall then flip backwards down the stairs at the Brown University lacrosse house, veins pulsing with Natural Light Beer, eyes crazed.
Your secrets.
Did not go away.
I have em all stored up here *knocks on noggin*
Is noggin a fun word or a dumb word? Is it hilarious that I used it or weird?
Hm.
LONG:
Having to tell ur online writing class that you changed your name is also embarrassing. Everyone comes into the Zoom room and doesn’t talk and then you have to be like “uh by the way, if you didn’t see my little digital placard, I changed my name.” Like I’m freaking KING of the world.
They all r like ok cool whatever sure but in the pilot you’re working on about feuding egg companies… did you fix your 50 year old female character’s “motivation”? Because right now we don’t know WHY in the world she would want to start an egg company.
Does anyone reallyyyyy know the motivation behind anything they do? We just sort of DO things, right?
Instead of saying that to the class I just nod furiously at every classmate’s suggestion and am “yes, ok awesome, good point” - face on fire, still reeling from my Reid intro.
Also - YEAH - I’m writing a FIFTY year old female lead character for TV. Give me an award. (It will never sell).
I am watching Breaking Bad for the aforementioned class homework. Early on, there’s a scene where Bryan Cranston tries to nervously load a gun.
I do not think I could figure out how to load a gun, even if my life depended on it. It took me 10 years to learn how to load a dishwasher.
*Cut to my family members who are reading this nodding furiously a la me in my Zoom writing class*
What else is new…
I’m editing 8 podcasts a week now. It’s a lot.
There are so many podcasts in the world and they’re all so niche. Next thing you know, I’ll be editing a “Food That Gets Stuck In Ur Butt” podcast or something. Honestly would be a thrill to produce, lmk if anyone wants to pitch that to me, I get a cut of the profit tho, for coining the title.
I went ~out~ a lot this weekend and my phone’s charging port is broken, so when it’s dead? It’s DEAD. I had to ride the Q train home without a functioning phone, and I was so bored and intoxicated that I decided to really take in and evaluate the subway ads on each car (switching at every stop).
Every subway ad these days like:
“Yeah that’s right!!!! Ur reading this!!! That’s right!!! I am a proud American advertisement!! Yeah that’s right! I fucked ur wife! What u gonna do about THAT? Huh?”
Kinda fun.
I’m trying to decide to go blonde again but I worry it will make me look even more like a gay Hitler youth.
Before you say “Hitler Youth WEREN’T GAY!” I urge you to look at the facts. Nothing is gayer than a group of blonde little twinks marching around and threatening to kill everyone… all “Serving daddy” and being like “If ur not white or blonde? Sorry bitch. Ur dead to me!”
I literally just described a Sunday in Hell’s Kitchen.
Lotta Holocaust humor in this newsletter. Wonder what’s going on with me.
One time I won an award for an essay I wrote about Petr Ginz, and my whole family hauled ass to the Contemporary Jewish Museum Of San Francisco for the award/commemorative ceremony but we couldn’t find parking so we parked a good 10 blocks away and had to walk through a full-on BDSM street festival on the way and everyone was like “whatta day”.
Have I already talked about that in this newsletter before? I never can remember wtf I’ve talked about…
I am currently typing this on my cellular phone (shoutout to it being charged) in a CVS at 11pm. I’m buying floss and a pint of ice cream. If you’ve ever seen me under the fluorescent lighting at CVS no you haven’t.
My new neighborhood is fun. Yesterday, I saw a really really old man biking up the main street in a Spiderman helmet and for some reason I got really emotional about it.
Thank god the new Olivia Rodrigo song came out this week. She absolutely slayed on SNL, and I can’t wait for her album.
I’m glad my therapist doesn’t read this newsletter, because he’d want to “explore it”. Every time he says that he wants to “explore something with me” I’m like, “who are we, Dora and Boots? No thanks.”
I wonder what will happen to Ellen DeGeneres.
Maybe she’ll go brunette and go live in the wilderness somewhere.
Did you know she has a sibling named “Vance”? Shouldda changed my name to that.
There’s a NYT article called “What TikTok stars owe to the Ellen DeGeneres show”.
I haven’t read it and probably never will but I am curious about what they owe.
I deleted TikTok because I ran out of room on my phone.
My whole trans Judaism Holocaust fixation this week reminds me of this: https://www.vulture.com/2015/12/transparent-berlin-flashbacks-explained.html
When push comes to nonviolent shove, that show was so good.
Absolutely fuck Tambor and all the assailants and all messed up conduct shit - but the writing was phenomenal.
And the narrative and characters were so complex and Jewish and interesting.
If you’ve seen the show, read this article: https://www.autostraddle.com/transparent-changed-me-and-tv-forever/ I love it. This is a Drew Gregory stan account.
If you haven’t seen the show, watch it (in the year 2021 even!) and lmk ur thoughts.
To wrap things up, I suppose I will talk about how everyone in my life right now is feeling weird about this liminal COVID space we’re in. They’re all overwhelmed and experiencing the classic early 1900’s lesbian movie thing called: melancholia.
At least the sun’s coming out more often these days. Congrats to the sun for its bravery. Live ur truth, sun.
Are you feeling melancholia anxiety etc. re: ~this weird time~ ? Reply with your thoughts and feelings!
^ Ok, I sound like a first grade teacher.
But really, do it. That’s the #PromptOfTheWeek
Speaking of PROMPT OF THE WEEK! Here are TWO AWESOME ANSWERS TO LAST WEEK’S PROMPT! Thanks for submitting!
#1
The “missing piece” dilemma is tough. About three years ago I made a conscious effort to start visualizing a future for myself sans romantic partnership. I wanted to get comfortable with being whole, and detach from the idea that partnership would complete me; I think that concept is cis-hetero-normative, an unattainable fairytale.
I created a strong, solo lifestyle for myself. I even had the privilege of living alone (the luxury!). Then I started dating my now fiancé. Some of our early conflicts revolved around their observation that, though I loved them, it didn’t feel like I had a desire to really make room for them in my life. I was too much of a solo act. Hmmm. . .
In retrospect, I was afraid to really let them in because my independence was my comfort. I liked being in control, so in our partnership I tried to dictate when we’d see each other, what we’d do, even how and when we’d have sex. No wonder my fiancé felt less like an equal partner and more like an accessory for my Instagram feed. I’m embarrassed that I ever made them feel that way.
I’m grateful that they were so honest with me. I took a hard look at myself, then decided I was perfect and didn’t need to change, then went to lots of therapy, then decided I did need to change, then changed. . .
All of this is to say that I think the friend looking for a “missing piece” should yes, detach from the idea that someone else will complete her. But it’s not a bad idea to hang on to the romantic notion that there is an empty space waiting for someone to fill. When the right one comes along, she’ll let them in.
#2
i feel like the "missing piece" thing was what i leaned on when i was a child and then when i got older i became addicted to just spending as much time around people i liked as possible !!!! which turned into some codependency issues but: i think you gotta grow out of the idea that a partner will finish your unfinished self. you're as finished and as unfinished as you're ever gonna be. and in many ways your partner is gonna prevent you from ever finishing if you expect them to solve that problem. idk!!! i hate that phrasing but i also am one of those people with a lot of thoughts on partnership and dating despite having no marketable experience as an adult !!! so ignore me!
Bless u 4 getting thru this!
If this is your first time reading the newsletter, read the archives. Sometimes I’m funny, sometimes I’m not – it’s very much like when people fall down.
Sincerely,
Reid
Venmo: @rpope-venmo-26
Donate to The Audre Lorde Project
No PLUGS or PROMO this week just vibes.
Here is a picture of flowers that my friends got me for “living my truth” etc. etc. And also a cool Dancing Pumpkin from the Kusama: Cosmic Nature Botanical Garden exhibit that I went to on Sunday.
And of course a picture of Jess who has been the most supportive person ever through this ongoing rollercoaster of shite.
c u next week when hopefully my dresser has been assembled
