REID #147

Jul 25, 2023

tfw jobs gotta know if ur nb man nb woman or nb no hyphen

SHORT:

I want to be a tall guy with a tote bag and not a care in the world; unfortunately, I’m a short transexual with a tote bag who’s always stressed beyond belief for no reason.

MEDIUM:

Happy Tuesday. Hope everyone’s well. I just tried to pull a metal table toward me at a cafe, and… turns out? It’s bolted to the ground. Humiliating… to tug at something with all your might… only to find out that the tugging task was impossible to begin with… (I wanted that to sound deep, but it actually sounds kind of perverted upon second read).

As you can probably tell from my opening block of text, I’ve returned to my age-old hobby of fixating on aesthetics and wishing I was a smoking-hot-golden-child that people point to and scream !YES! at.

I’m tired of shiny ppl! There needs to be a haggard revolution! An inrush of haggard ppl in the spotlight! #AIOHPITS!

Okay sorry, I’m done. I’ll move onto the political and social (which, try as we might, are still inextricably tied to the aesthetic…) — OKAY SORRY I’M DONE FOR REAL!

LONG:

What’s happening in the news… ?

Twitter I guess is now called “X” (same as the gender marker on my driver’s license… have fun answering a lotta questions at the airport, Elon!).

I have yet to see Barbie (2023), but when I do, I will NOT be dressed in pink (I’ll be fully nude to honor the way my Barbies chose to live).

I’m being insane right now because I had to walk in the 90 degree heat to return my internet router to the Verizon store and the security guard made me wait outside the store in a “line” (but I was the only person waiting, so it was more like a dot). When I was finally escorted inside, it turns out I was at a store that didn’t “take routers”, so I had to clomp over to another one down the road and now I’m not sure if I’m on earth or if any of it even happened.

Jess is in London and their phone got stolen AGAIN. Three weeks after it was stolen in Brooklyn. They even ordered a fancy new case with a whale shark on it that they were all excited about (don’t ask, I just smile and pretend their aggressive interest in sea life/animals is normal for a near-30 year old).

Anyway, now whale shark case #1 is somewhere in the boonies of the UK, but DON’T WORRY! They contacted me to let me know that another identical whale shark case will be arriving “any day now” so I should “look out for it”.

It’s really crazy that I walk the streets of New York City, and people look at me and don’t know that my partner has a box of their dead cat’s ashes that they insist on keeping and it’s heavy so I was like, “okay we’re gonna use it as a door stop”, so now it props open our office door (we also actually don’t know if the ashes are even in there because the box doesn’t open so the vet may have just sold Jess a super expensive rectangle).

My Snack Of The Week was a “Fancy Danny” from Little Skips. Melted NY cheddar, fried egg, avocado, tomato, honey drizzle on Balthazar multigrain bread. Never fails. Always delicious. Pair it with a cold brew and your day will be perfect.

I’m going to be done with this now. But before I go, I want to let everyone know that I am looking for a mentor. And by mentor I mean someone who can help me completely change my personality.

Just kidding. About the personality thing. Not the mentor thing.

I saw a girl post the other day that she “met her mentor at a mansion” and… I have not been able to stop thinking about it since.

Hope this was a thrill for you to read.

C U Next Tuesdsay!