REID #142

Jun 20, 2023

elaine stritch drinking coffee wearing no pants outside rehearsal studio yelling at a car before realizing it’s the cops

SHORT:

My future may be uncertain,

my next chapter a stunning black hole,

but at least I know that

my workout class instructor’s fiancée “is allergic to everything under the sun including allergy medicine and sneezes so loud”.

MEDIUM:

Every single day I apply for jobs at web3virtualchickenfarms and watch the greatest minds of my generation toss comedy show clips up on TikTok like pennies into the Trevi fountain.

It’s hard to witness. But I get it. It seems like the only way to (if-all-the-stars-align-and-a-pig-takes-flight) be successful in this town.

But it also feels like taking a an electric pizza slicer to a carefully choreographed live dance number.

And no matter how hard anyone tries, 4-second videos of teens doing violent hip thrusts in a Gelson’s will prevail.

Which maybe is good.

Better to hear from the sex-positive children of America than a 26-year-old who has spent their life perfecting 2 jokes in a bar basement.

LONG:

Anyway, my kingdom for basic peace of mind am I right!? haha!

^ that line was inspired by me watching the SmartLess tv program where Will Arnett looks around and says “my kingdom for a paper towel am I right?”. I love being the only gay person under 50 to have laid eyes on the show. Relatedly and by the way, my mom still “has a good idea for Sean Hayes”. Loyal Reiders know that she’s had it for a long time and is “looking to get in touch”. So if any of you new subscribers know Sean… let a lady know…

And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for! This newsletter’s Snack Of The Week is: The 10-inch Papa Johns cheese pizza I ordered last night at 11pm before pressing play on the Elaine Stritch documentary. After I finished the pizza at 2am, I express-ordered an Elaine Stritch shirt that I self-designed on CafePress (images on front and back). Feel free to search all that up in the DSM-5 and let me know what psychological disorder it falls under!

You should really watch the Elaine doc for yourself, but one of the best moments is when she tells the camera guy that “he’s doing his job wrong” and that he should follow her outside the door while she throws away her English muffin container (she eats a very specific brand of English muffins — Bays — daily to commemorate her dead husband who was the company heir).

Another incredible moment is when she’s 5 mins out from her live show (at age 87) screaming “WRONG TEETH!” from behind the greenroom door (because she has her wrong teeth in). And someone goes running to find the right ones.

I finished off the night (well, morning) by watching Elaine’s last interview with the New York Times where they ask if she “really was a virgin til age 30?” and she gets pissed off at them for asking the question because “why would she lie about something like that?”.

Then they ask her how she wants to be remembered and she says:

HOW? *long pause* “whatever you think’s fair.”

Same. lol

C U Next Tuesday