SHORT:
I’m back in NYC after seducing every man in San Diego, California.
MEDIUM:
Why did I travel to CA for 3 days in the middle of my busy school semester? Big Pine Comedy Festival.
My trip started at 5am on Thursday when I traveled alone to JFK and was treated to the sweet morning tunes of every Jew in the world complaining about the security line (even when ur traveling alone, there’ll be Jews around you making it feel like you’re traveling with your entire extended family!). Btw there are NO jews in San Diego — this isn’t true — but I kept being like “are there any jews in the house?” every night onstage, and was met with utter silence. Then again, maybe they were scared to answer. After all, “are there any jews in the house?” is a very World War II-y thing for me to yell.
After getting through security, I purchased the only thing that looked appealing to me (rock-hard Uncrustable from tiny fridge at magazine store), and got on the plane. We were delayed 45 minutes because a gay 20-something in the back of the passed out and they had to call the paramedics and when he woke up they asked him what he’d had to eat so far that day and he said “1 to 2 croissants” — respect!
LONG:
I got to Big Pine and played trivia with “industry people”, but was very nervous and quiet the whole time. I ended up getting 2nd place after a rocky first round where I put “Chris Rock?” as the answer to the question: “who voiced Ratatouille” ?
When I performed later, everyone was like “wtf u were so manic onstage who knew that was inside of you during trivia”. Literally a woman in the front row’s eyes were darting back and forth so much during my set, that I had to stop and be like, “I know, it’s like watching a tornado, I’m sorry, I’m almost done…”
(and then proceeded to do my joke about how my tits aren’t fully gone they’re ghosts with a lot of unfinished business on earth —> #1 on the agenda = haunting every single Victoria’s Secret saleswoman who convinced me to buy an 80 dollar cheetah-print bra. I’m writing a movie about it, it’s gonna be called A Cups In The Air because the ladies are gonna look up when they’re sleeping and see a pair of phantom tits in the air. Scorsese will direct).
After the first show, a huge tan muscly man came running up to me and yelled “you were my favorite!!” and asked for my autograph/a picture. While onstage, I heard someone giggling from behind a pillar in the comedy club and I said, “shoutout to whoever’s behind that pole!” and he was like “that was ME!” Turns out he’s an ex marine. He does sick graffiti art now (DM me if you want me to show u his IG page). I love him and his septum piercing gf. I look like a 2 ft tall Jimmy Neutron in the photo we took together.
There were also some hecklers during the first set (including a very drunk man who told us he had four baby mamas and then followed us to the bar and offered to buy everyone drinks). I told my Uber driver about him on the way home from the bar and my Uber driver said, “I don’t have any kids and I don’t know the work of any comedians except Groucho Marx.” I was like totally, totally, a lot of people r probably living the same experience.
The rest of the fest was fun. I met some people who told me to “never slow down” my “act”, and other people who told me to “pace less because it’s unsettling to watch, and I look like a caged animal”. One told me my stuff reminded him of Robin Williams so I stayed up all night watching videos of him and got sad about how he’s dead.
The next day I saw a plastic skeleton in a wig riding on the back of a motorcycle and decided it was a sign that I should believe in myself or die trying. I ate an enormous plate of fresh huevos rancheros & beans in Old Town before the plane ride back to NYC because I’m brave and life’s short.
Now I’m back and staring down a plate of sushi I ordered that took two hours to be delivered.
That’s on me for ordering sushi in the rain.
The fish probably came alive again in the wetness and were like “is this the ocean?” and the Seamless person was like “no this is the concrete jungle, get back inside that seaweed roll and die, a transgender person wants to eat you.”
I’m also wearing a hoodie, beanie, and basketball shorts with socks pulled up to my knees cuz for some reason my heat won’t turn on.
It’s good to be back.
Patton Oswald voiced Ratatouille. But imagine if Chris Rock did?
C U Next Tuesday
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Sincerely,
Reid
Venmo: @rpope-venmo-26
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