REID #101

Sep 06, 2022

SHORT:

It feels weird to do #101 after The Big HundReid. So anti-climactic.

MEDIUM:

For those of you whose butts r quivering from remaining clenched since last week… loosen ‘em up! Cuz guess what? My gay senior citizen pen pal is alive after all!

In fact, he just emailed me his “self-tape audition” for It’s A Wonderful Life.

As far as I know, they’re not doing a reboot of the film, he’s just “prepared”.

Speaking of film, I’m watching the hit TV show Selling The OC.

There’s one male real estate agent on it who’s dared to be openly bisexual, so I’ve invited him to my Fire Island house next summer.

LONG:

I’m back in school and am like “what am I doing” in a new fun way.

I’ve decided that it’s actually good to be paralyzed with jealousy/fear/envy because we all move too fast on this earth, and at least, when you’re in absolute-frozen-shutdown mode due to envy/overwhelm, you’re “slowing down” :) Discouragement is the new wellness :)

Also, not to be a bitch, but if all the scaffolding around the places I need to go in NYC could stay the same so I wouldn’t get confused that would b great…

^This is about how The Bean near NYU used to be covered in poles and green wood and now it’s not, so every time I walk from Union Square, I gaslight myself into thinking I’ve taken a wrong turn. When, in reality, I’m actually exactly where I need to be (ain’t that a hot little metaphor!)

On the bright side, T*sch changed their check-in authentication process, so instead of having to solve the DaVinci code and scan every square inch of ur t*ts each time you enter the building, you just have to show a little thing in your Apple Wallet.

Before going back to school, I chose to attend another boat party with two million gay men, and this time around my therapist wasn’t there, but my friend’s ex-boyfriend was.

I wonder if there will ever be a year in my life that I don’t begrudgingly attend and then pretend to have fun at a homosexual maritime excursion.

We need to stop pretending like it will feel better to be gay on water instead of on land. Both suck, and on the water you cannot leave.

^I’m not being negative, I’m just being right.

I start my first day of teaching undergrads tomorrow, maybe I should teach them to not be gay on boats. Or if they are going to be gay on boats, try to be nice and normal.

Every single day now I want to just scream “wait, on the count of 3, can everyone just be normal for a sec? or even forever?”

I’m so tired of watching people keep their metaphorical beachballs/balloons up in the air. Let em drop! It’s okay if they hit the ground! You don’t have to keep spiking them over the crowd. You seem so tired! Everything’s gonna be okay! Or maybe not! But keeping your beachball up in the air and doing bits and being phony is definitely gunna leave u sore and tired either way!

Does this make sense?

When I see people engage in weird fake smalltalk/ hollow conversations, I see like an invisible balloon or beachball that they’re trying to keep in the air and it makes me so anxious.

Drop your arms. Let it pop. It’ll be stressful for one second but then so much better.

Maybe I’ll teach this tomorrow too.

If Foucault can teach about prisons or whatever I can do beachball theory <3

Hm.

Any other news?

I’m back on TikTok and my TikTok feed’s back to being just 100 videos of Orthodox Jews singing Billy Joel.

I had breakfast in Times Square with my Finnish diving coach from when I was 11 years old and she, out of nowhere told me that I should “still try to be a singer because she went to my bar mitzvah and I was actually rly good.”

So I’m marrying her and moving to Finland where I’ll perform weekly at the Finnish National Opera.

If any of the kids I teach are reading this, I’m so sorry. Maybe stop reading. Or keep going. I promise I’m smarter than this (sort of).

I actually spend a lot of my time worrying about “if people think I’m smart” … which is a very dumb thing to do…

so it’s sort of all a worm-eating-itself sort of situation.

Is that the right metaphor?

I’ll brush up on my Ouroboros/ Jungian psychology before tomorrow.

Anyway.

That’s it.

Boring week in Reidtown.

Send in topics you want me to write about so I don’t talk about scaffolding again.

C U Next Tuesday!