MEGAN #32

May 11, 2021

SHORT:

A few weeks ago I attended a freezing cold party where someone said they hated my hair and then this past weekend I attended two freezing cold parties where people said they really liked it - so the question is… when is it going to get warmer out? It is May.

MEDIUM:

One time I was high at a college party at “The Men’s Swim House” and I saw a candle that was burning “too close to a TV” in one of the guys’ rooms so I blew it out

and I guess I blew with too much force, because the wax went everywhere and splattered all over the TV and I fell to the ground and started sobbing

and my friend Jon had to carry me home and put me to bed

and to this day, I’m scared of the tall guy name Matt whose TV it was

even though he never contacted me about ruining it or to let me know that I didn’t ruin it

but I did see him years later at Outside Lands Music Festival and he was bobbing his head along to G-Eazy with a peaceful smile on his face

so it seems like

all is well with him

LONG:

I have been thinking about how

these days

literally just

being gay

is seen as a form of “activism”

and “activism” has become synonymous with “criticism”

and I would just love it if people could just

make themselves some tea

and everything could go real quiet

and the nuance that we’ve all thrown out the window

could come crawling back

work would be cancelled for a second

and school would be cancelled for a second

and life would be cancelled for a SECOND

and we could all just take a moment

to seep

our brains

some

nuancey stew

and remember that

nobody

and nothing

is one thing

does this make sense

am i being maga?

i’m obviously not maga, but sometimes i suffer from internalized breitbart syndrome

the word snowflake ping pongs around my brain until my whole frontal lobe is frozen

i become a teenage boy who thinks it’s cool and fun and brave and hip to slide down the railing of a strip mall staircase and i land and am like “why must my dumb queer journey continue to evolve”

can’t it just… reach a certain stasis?

even writing this I’m like jesus christ, megan must every newsletter be about gay

to make it absolutely clear

this newsletter is NOT activism

if you’ve been reading it and are like “omg this is groundbreaking activism”

sorry but you’re wronger than the fact that my-duvet-went-viral-on-twitter-this-week-instead-of-one-of-my-many-incredible-tweets.

For example, this week, I tweeted:

i relate 2 the billie eilish song ocean eyes
because i have eyes like the ocean
(they always have random shit in them)

Hilarious.

Anyway, this week is a wreck of a newsletter. I’m feeling creatively and emotionally constipated and nobody knows why.

I did a comedy show on Friday and slayed. My Megan McCain joke went over very well and I am trying to decide if I change my name if it literally would be ok to deadname myself onstage for a second just for the sake of keeping the incredible joke alive.

It was old material. Everything I slayed with. I haven’t had a new or interesting thought in a month.

John Mulaney and his wife are getting divorced which is sad because their wedding aesthetic was perfect and I have always wanted to have the same exact kind of wedding as them aesthetic-wise.

I suppose I still can… but it would “hit different” ← see? Teenage boy.

No frontal lobe.

No new friends.

No new thoughts.

See you next week.

MORE:

A lovely survey responder suggested I put a PROMPT at the bottom of each newsletter and then feature people so here’s THIS WEEK’S:

When I was moving, a friend called me and mentioned that she was struggling on Hinge dates and was “trying to figure out why things weren’t working”. She kept talking about “a missing piece” that she had to find. My response was that there isn’t one and that maybe letting go of that concept could help with future dates? Does that make sense? What are your thoughts?

Respond with funny app date stories or thoughts or advice about this.