Keep Up
REID #293
SHORT:
Everyone’s panicking about how there’s a parasite that causes "explosive diarrhea" spreading across the United States…
Babe, Chipotle beta-tested that years ago. Keep up.
MEDIUM:
It’s 100 degrees out.
Jess left a Tupperware full of water on our stoop “for the pigeons, in case they need it” and then a massive storm came through and blew the tub away.
Here’s hoping there’s another storm tonight that blows the tub back to us, cuz we still have the lid for it in our kitchen.
Post storm-blowing-the-tub-away, Jess was upset, but I assured them the pigeons are too busy eating tortillas from a nearby dumpster that I dubbed “Tortilla Mountain” to drink water from a random person’s stoop anyway.
LONG:
I haven’t been great at keeping up with the newsletter, because:
1. I’m prepping to direct a feature in September
2. I continue to run Going Down with Ella Yurman
3. I am late on a playwriting deadline
And
4. I continue to be in so much random pain.
I’m ready to throw a Taylor-Swift-wedding-style gathering for every doctor I’ve seen over the course of the past two years.
The invitation will read:
Dear Every Doctor, Specialist, Physical Therapist, Nurse Practitioner, Osteopath, Acupuncturist, and Person Who Once Asked Me to Rate My Pain on a Scale of One to Ten,
Please join me as my complete medical team (all of whom have treated me, none of whom have met one another, and several of whom have directly contradicted one another) gathers for the first time under one roof to put their goddamn heads together.
The venue will be one room, with chairs, but you’re gonna be locked in there until some meaningful shit is worked out. Sorry.
Don’t worry, there will be cocktails.
Mostly so all of you can loosen up and MINGLE with providers outside your specialty. I need Dr. Shoulder to meet Dr. Not A Neck Guy Despite What Website Says to meet Dr. This Sounds Neurological to meet Dr. Follow Up With Your PCP to meet Dr. Out Of Network.
Dr. “HUH?”, YOU will have a special booth where you’ll be invited to present your phenomenal findings (”Huh, weird, Hm, etc”) to the rest of the group.
At 7:30 p.m. — SHARP! like THA PAIN IN MY SHOULDER BLADE— there will be a multimedia presentation entitled Everything I Have Already Explained Individually To All Of You And Your Nurses, painstakingly assembled from approximately fourteen separate retellings of my medical history. It will include all of the treatments I have tried: Gabapentin, Tylenol, muscle relaxers, antibiotics, weed gummies, exercise, more exercise, less exercise, rest, stretching, not stretching, hope, giving up, and the long sad walk to get boba after work.
We’ll also walk through the sleeping positions I’ve attempted, including pillow between the knees, cervical pillow, the Pillow CubeTM, pillow with the neck divot, two pillows, no pillows, sleeping upright, sleeping on my back, sleeping on my side, and laying awake pissed off while attempting to bargain directly with God.
Instead of vows, a shared Google Doc will be projected onto a screen containing every scan, referral, EMG, office note, and symptom list, so that everyone may read it once, together, out loud. And instead of dancing, everyone will spend fifteen uninterrupted minutes thinking back on their 52 years of medical schooling to see if they’re forgetting anything crucial.
In lieu of gifts, please bring a working theory, actual eye contact lasting longer than four seconds, and basic note-sharing capabilities, or at minimum a fax machine that communicates with the other fax machine.
Kindly RSVP by the end of the week. I understand your website says you’re not available until October. Respectfully, I do not believe that shit.
Dress code is whatever you’re already wearing. Hurry up! I’m being a huge bitch to everyone around me and cannot run, sleep, or focus on writing, and it’s gotta stop.
Despite everything above, I still believe this gathering will be more enjoyable and less tacky than a 1000 person wedding at MSG :)
And if the Swifties kill me for saying that, pain problem solved!
Thank you for subscribing to this newsletter. Sometimes it’s funny, sometimes it’s not (like when ppl slip on ice). If you want, you can also check out the archives.
Sincerely,
Reid Pope
I SAY THIS ALL THE TIME ABOUT DOCTORS. WHY DOES NO ONE TALK TO EACH OTHER ANYMORE. They need a third space. But just for them. To converse. And solve things.