FOLLOW THE POLISH WOMEN TO THE INFINITY POOL: REID #158

Hey there! Hope this email finds u rockin out with ur c*ck out! This week I...

Oct 10, 2023

groucho marx lookin’ pig i saw at a bar last night

SHORT:

Hey there! Hope this email finds u rockin out with ur c*ck out!

This week I got sick, so I’ve been jammin’ Afrin up my nose and whining about how we have yet to find a cure for the common cold.

I think it’s cool that we have things like “Young Hollywood” and 300 satellites in space blocking the sun but not a vaccine to end all sniffling.

MEDIUM:

Before I spiraled into phlegm-snot land (someone make that a movie and have it get wrongly announced at the Oscars as a best picture winner), Jess and I went to a spa in New Jersey.

The “selling point” of the place is an infinity pool designed to make you “feel like you’re floating in the Hudson river”.

You know, like US Airways Flight 1549.

I laid back, stretched out my arms, and pretended multiple geese had just flown into my engines.

LONG:

The spa was actually quite nice and surprisingly LGBTQ friendly (despite the fact they didn’t post anything on Instagram for Pride — yeah, we checked!!!).

Jess and I swam shirtless in the infinity pool — top-surgery scars out — and didn’t get hatecrimed (Miracle On The Hudson Pt. II! Tom Hanks will play Jess in the sequel!).

We arrived at the spa around 9am and stood in line for check-in with 1000 Polish women, a couple that was straddling each other, and a group of gals in Valentino sneakers ready to take glamour shots.

When Jess and I reached the front desk, the concierge guy stared, trying to decide which locker room to send us to, and eventually went, “I don’t want to assume…”

To which we replied, “Uh…”

And then slowly turned to follow the Polish women.

(At the end of the day, you should always, regardless of your gender, follow the Polish women)

Highlights of the spa trip include my strong start down “Foot Massage Path” — a water feature/walkway full of flat and rounded stones designed to “provide walkers a natural foot reflexology massage”.

Lowlights include, how some of the stones on “Foot Massage Path” were actually not as flat/rounded as advertised (so by step #2, I reflexively jumped up in my robe, yelped, and then spent the rest of the “walk” complaining and desperate to find an early exit).

Also, in order to get to the spa, we had to leave our apartment at 7am and take a train to another train to a bus and then walk.

Which meant that after a nice relaxing day at the spa, we had to walk back along an NJ highway, take a bus back to Port Authority, jump on the C train and then take the R train home.

Which more or less un-did our day of relaxation.

But that’s okay cuz I got to eat vegetable dumplings* barefoot in a robe while listening to a woodwind cover of “Watermelon Sugar”. And not many people can say that!

*Snack of the week, of course

I must go to sleep now so I can kill this cold, (which by the way, I think I got from a group of high school kids who were marching in a parade on my friend’s street (where there’s always-for-some-reason a parade). It was pouring rain, and the kids looked miserable in their soaking band uniforms, and I thought, “that sucks, they’re gonna catch a cold”, but because I’m SUCH AN EMPATH, instead of them catching the cold, I caught it).

C U Next Tuesday