CINCINNATI IS NON-BINARY AND THERE ARE NO JEWS: REID #155

Happy Rosh Hashanah 🍎

Sep 19, 2023

saw these apples on the ground during a walk I took before my show — a woman at the cafe I was at told me to go see a cemetery nearby to kill time but then there was a funeral and a big sign that said “private” so I went across the street to a park picnic table and sat there for 2 hours going over my set instead because I didn’t want to infringe upon the Ohio people’s death ritual

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SHORT:

Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, is one of Judaism’s holiest days. Your actions on Rosh Hashanah allegedly have a significant impact on the year to come. I spent it performing standup comedy in Cincinnati, Ohio.

MEDIUM:

Rosh Hashanah is celebrated with the sounding of a ram’s horn. If you can’t make it to synagogue, you can contact someone to make a “house call”.

I stayed in an area of town called “Dent” at a Hampton Inn & Suites that, according to the severely stressed-out general manager (Stewart) who checked me in, has lost over 38k in hotel fraud over the last year.

I did not have someone come and blow horn in the lobby, because I feared it’d be Stewart’s last straw.

LONG:

You’re supposed to eat festive meals on Rosh Hashanah including apples dipped in honey, round raisin Challah, the head of a fish, pomegranates, and other foods symbolizing wishes for the year to come.

I ate a Subway sandwich at the airport that was made with mustard instead of of mayo and the line was too long for me to go back and ask them to fix it. Then my flight got delayed for four hours.

SO MY YEAR’S GUNNA ROCK!

Jokes aside, I actually had quite a lovely time in Cincinnati. My openers Cal, Phil, Terra, and Shawn were AMAZING and the quesadillas at the venue were to die for — snack of the week, hands down.

Unfortunately, there were no Jews at my shows (I asked every time with my classic, “Are there any Jews in the house? Sorry, I know that’s a World War II-y question”), but there were a bunch of other benevolent audience members.

During my first set, I asked an old woman in the front if she’s “always lived in Ohio” and she said, “well, Kentucky”, and I learned that people in Cincinnati identify as being from both. Which is kinda non-binary of them (the old woman thought that was hilarious).

The same woman’s husband told me I should visit a town in Kentucky that’s supposed to be “one of the most beautiful places in the world but also there’s been a bunch of murders there”. I responded, “can’t have beauty without pain” and he fell in love with me.

I’m wishing all of them a wonderful new year and also Stewart at the Dent Hampton Inn & Suites! No more fraud in 5784!

Did you know that Cinci has the largest Oktoberfest in the world second to Munich? It was also happening this weekend… maybe that’s where all the Jews were…

C U Next Tuesday